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News this week – Raucous St. Patrick’s Day Party/Stolen Bikes/KKAA/Junior Music Papers/Another Drop
Just like what happened in Plato’s Symposium, a raucous party came and took over Lander’s Crux Coffee late Saturday night. 
Reports are still coming in of the exact details but amidst hours of ear-breaking noise a riot broke out between the current WCC Juniors and some Freshmen performers, who, proclaiming that they didn’t know anything, sang “…we don’t know any juniors”.
Luckily, things calmed down when a even more raucous party came in around 11pm, leading disagreements to dispersion in the midst of ever louder noise.
Meanwhile, several dozen bikes were stolen near-simultaneously from WCC students in and around the campus, leading to fresh accusations against the Campus Assassins organization, which still officially denies responsibility.
“I mean who else could it be?” asks Bart Rathbone, local buisness owner of the Electric Palace, “this town has been goin down ever since that gang arrived. Either it was the Assassins or Bigfoot or nobody.”
The Campus Assassins head-lead, however,  maintains, “we were not involved in any way with theft of any sort. And this time, unlike the intelligence we discovered about a rogue agent with the St. John’s bombing, all of our agents are honest and accounted for.”
So on one knows for sure who was responsible, and as of press time, none have been found. If yours was among those taken, report the theft as soon as possible to Mrs. Hillary at hillary.halsmer@wyomingcatholic.edu
But the Campus Assassins are also in the news for another reason, with a new service now provided to the WCC community, as their press release states:

Freshmen Rockers!
We now offer Kampus Kidnappings And Assassinations, (KKAA) which consist of nothing more than taking a Fellow Student Rocker (FSR) and Holding Him Hostage until some petty ransom such as cookies are turned in.
To order, just post in Baldwin: Assassins of KKAA, Hold FSR (name) on (date and time).

Many students are excited about this new service,  and usage in the week running up to Outdoor Week is expected to be high as everyone tried to get the people they don’t wan’t on their trips “held”.

“Oh man, if this thing works, me and my buds’ll have so much ramen left over on our climbing trip,” says WCC Sophomore Jeremy Whitney of West Virginia, planning to use the service to “trim down” his food group.

On a surprising further note, none of the forty-two junior music papers submitted yesterday featured analysis of metal, something IIT president Everett finds “highly surprising”. “We plan to up our community engagement during the remainder of the semester,” he says. “We don’t want to have this same problem again next year.”

And another student dropped from WCC over the week, Junior Kaitlyn H. Elliott of South Carolina with little details or further news about her departure available at present.

And anyone remember this?
Until next time,
James
Everett
S. Ezra Smith
and the rest of the IIT team,
Rock on my fellow freshmen rockers!