We now offer Kampus Kidnappings And Assassinations, (KKAA) which consist of nothing more than taking a Fellow Student Rocker (FSR) and Holding Him Hostage until some petty ransom such as cookies are turned in.
To order, just post in Baldwin: Assassins of KKAA, Hold FSR (name) on (date and time).
Many students are excited about this new service, and usage in the week running up to Outdoor Week is expected to be high as everyone tried to get the people they don’t wan’t on their trips “held”.
“Oh man, if this thing works, me and my buds’ll have so much ramen left over on our climbing trip,” says WCC Sophomore Jeremy Whitney of West Virginia, planning to use the service to “trim down” his food group.
On a surprising further note, none of the forty-two junior music papers submitted yesterday featured analysis of metal, something IIT president Everett finds “highly surprising”. “We plan to up our community engagement during the remainder of the semester,” he says. “We don’t want to have this same problem again next year.”
And another student dropped from WCC over the week, Junior Kaitlyn H. Elliott of South Carolina with little details or further news about her departure available at present.