San Francisco: Google ran out of acceptable e-mail account names today for its Gmail service, reports the Associated Press, as the service reached its second billionth user. “We could go on for awhile with only having names like email@example.com or Iamacatholic@gmail.com but of course we all know why we can’t do that,” says Bruce Bannana, the director of the Gmail program at Google. “To our great concern, we’ve already discovered this happening,” he continues, “with emails like LatinMassLovers@gmail.com or LoveGod@gmail.com having recently been opened. We removed them immediately as these were obviosuly started by either Russian agents promoting hate speech or were the only names avialable to our regular users and they chose them out of unfortunate need.”
Thus for those “regular users” to not have to take such hate speech promoting email names for lack of other options, Google annouced today that it would offer a parallel service to Gmail, Femail with @femail.com addresses to solve this as well as other social concerns that have been raised about Gmail.
One of these is the patriarchal feeling users experience when they see or even think about an email in general and Gmail (which some insinate further makes them think of God-male), “They tried to hide it by switching the letters around, but they didn’t fool anybody,” says Debbie Crinkle of Conneticut, a CNN commentator and head of Seize the Streets for One World. “Email is the letter ‘e’ and a male. Why couldn’t they have chosen a neutral name? Women can send emails too.”
Similar concerns have been raised since email’s inception by what Google calls a “diverse background of concerned workers” and with Fe-mail, Google “is now doing something about it” Banana claims.
Not only does Femail feature a more sensitive name, it will be automatically set up with the latest in “hate speech filtering, rant autofill, new fields to insert one’s own and one’s adressee’s prefered pronouns, contacts preloaded with information for each user’s local Democrat party headquarters, protest equipment suppliers, and so much more”.
“We’re so glad that this new service is now available,” Bananna concludes, “and we apologize that it took this long to sort out. We’re excited about new features that are in beta-testing, and for all those who choose Femail we’ll be pleased to offer you an even more liberal atmosphere, content, and product than ever before. When you use Femail, don’t worry about any of those triggers you may have thought you maybe saw once on Gmail. We’ll catch and remove it all, so you can have a perfectly pristine left-wing mailbox.”
Not all are pleased, however, with this announcement as some argue that the continuing presence of the sound “mail/male” in the name makes them uncomfortable. “What did Google do here but muddy the waters some more?” says an agent for CommieKids International of Sacramento.” Why didn’t they use a more inclusive domain name like “@A-through-Zs.com”? That way you’ve covered every community and aren’t using the offensive sound of “male”.”
Further, the name femail worries others in a different way. “Does this mean Google is going to charge a “fee” now? We need the government to step in and make sure they give away everything for free” says Mark Mitchkin, an employee for Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. “And what about the “.com”. We all hope it stands for communist, but what if it really means a commercial business. Shouldn’t they really use something like .socialism or .communist to prove they’re not guilty of offensive triggering themselves by that domain ending?”
Visit femail.google.com to learn more. Even with these concerns, Femail is again already quite popular, and Google is alrady looking to the future with prospects arising of a replacement system for both named “e-person” reportedly under development.
Google did not say whether Femail will be hosted on different systems than Gmail, but Hillary Clinton is supposedly a top bidder if they do decide to go elsewhere for the new system. She is offfering nearly free usage of her closet for Google’s servers according to our source, but Google has not yet responded to these rumors.