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Well, it’s finally been settled. After months of confusion, it appears that the housing options for next semester at WCC are just about set. Options will be quite different this year compared with last, but at IIT we’re sure that your experiences can be just as metallically special if you make a well-informed choice. So on the things that count, like location, size, closet space, acoustic quality, etc., here’s what you need to know about the new options.

There are three choices this year, the “Classic Style Dorms” located on Holy Rosary grounds, the “Modern-Quadrastudent Blocks” or what we called the Apartments last year, and the new choice of the “New-Apartments” or “Insulae” as many are already calling them.

This new option occurs at the expense of the ever-popular hotel dormitory, however, which may seem worrisome at first, due to the loss of the prime dating space it offered. However, the WCC Office of Student Life says they are “currently working on this issue and expect to find a satisfactory solution by the time the freshmen arrive. For the moment we believe them, but this appears to be the greatest possible threat from the new arrangements.

In dorm businesses are a great idea to try – like Pako’s Pawn shown here

IIT is still investigating rumors of a fourth “top secret” dormitory location that is being filled on an “invitation only” basis. Its location has not been revealed by our sources, but we ourselves suspect it, if it exists, to be in the ceiling/roof of Frassati after our operatives have seen several well-connected students up there at times. WCC Juniors, however, say “its obviously somewhere far off campus” but neither will they say anything further.

Which “housing option (TM)” has the best location?

For location per se you can’t beat the upper Holy Rosary dorms, with their location towering above the rest, their nearness to a cemetery providing ample opportunities for night adventures, and their “life-tested” location offering a well-trodden path down to Baldwin.

But if you’re like IIT’s experts and prefer to look for the real as real, that is the accidents of the thing, judging a book by its cover, we can’t say anything’s better located than the “New-Apartments”. What could be better than a real full-scale “Quick-Mart” easy access to McDonald’s with what a prefect says is “a guranteed HappyMinute walk” and the possibility of demonstrating intellectual superioirty over others (and especially the Freshmen who don’t know anything) by living on a third-floor penthouse?

Overall, though, its a near tie, broken only in favor of the New-Apartments by their being six-minutes and thirty-five seconds closer to Baldwin in walking time for the average WCC student carrying a backpack than the “Classic Style” dorms are. Personal results may vary, prefects warn, especially if the confusion of walking a different way than everybody else, but for most of those walking alone there should be “a marked improvement compared with last year’s walk” says Bob Brant, a social psychologist and industrial engineer hired by WCC to streamline students’ transportation patterns.

Interior Decorating: What will they look like?

No major changes are expected for the Classic Style dorms. You still get your bunk beds or side by side beds with a desk and a dresser for each. The rumor that the school would put four students in each of these rooms is apparently wrong for now so you can plan for storage as with last year if you make it into these.

However, there has been a marked year-over-year increase in damage to these dorms due to the pummeling of dorm raids. Doors, heaters, windows, and furniture may be partially inoperative, misshapen, or fragile and caution is advised particularly with the built-in shelves as they may no longer be able to hold your weight.

As always, the dorm of St. Athanasius is expected to continue its long-standing tradition of John Wayne cult worship with a life-size cutout of the famous Western actor in their hallway. And as always also happens, someone will take it, Athanasius will retaliate, and more damage will be done, the “cycle of dorm life continuing” as Marcus Gardner, a rising Junior, puts it.

The “Modern-Quadrastudent Blocks”, expected to be the domain of this coming year’s senior class, will remain similar to their present condition as well – except for the fact that they will be exclusively men’s dorms next year. This will make them far less opportune for nearly all forms of dating, although there continued possession of a full kitchen in each room allows the culinary aficionado the ability to continue to impress your “friend” with baked and other delights.

Expect reinforcements to the windows of these dorms, however, after a band of rowdy Sophomores kidnapped Matthew Kubisch and offered him as a sacrifice last semester. They had entered his room then by means of a faulty window, one which WCC Security expects will be “much reinforced this year to prevent a repeat of that incredibly spicy situation.”

The “New-Apartments” or “Insulae” offer either three or five-person unit options for both men and women, though two of the three buildings to be rented will be assigned to women and only one to men. The five-person units have two bedrooms and two bathrooms each to the single of each that the three-person units have. Walls are reinforced somewhat, though the use of them as target practice or bouncing off of them is still advised against by the school. (Decide how much of a name you want to make for yourself within eternal memory… and the student handbook before so attempting is pretty much what they mean here!)

Furniture has not yet been fully determined as of yet, but is expected primarily to come from that used in this past year”s hotel dorm. Expect some further damage, or course, particularly from those originating in the more rowdy rooms.

The acoustics of these units is quite good, as IIT experts discovered through a recent sound test that placed them as 34.4% better than the “Modern Quadrastudent Blocks” and 51.3% above the “Classic Dorms” in the tonal frequency resonances most appreciated by metalheads. This means the whole building will shake better to your music while not interrupting the similar habits of your neighbors and is particularly critical during the average WCC study times of Midnight through 4 AM.

These Insulae are some of the nicest facilities at WCC so demand was expected to be high for these but surprisingly may be trending lower than expected.

Why is this?

Well, regardless of the characteristics of a dorm in itself analogously as an artifact, there are also immaterial familial and friend connections which are subsumed in the dorm building as an accident of relation. More simply, the state of having friends who plan to be at a nearby dorm will often affect the accident of place which one oneself desires. But while this effect usually balances out between dormitory options as there were strong friend groups in each last year, there is now an incredible imbalance between dormitories in the Rocker Class of 22, particularly on the men’s side where only five out of the twenty-four men returning have applied for anywhere besides the Classic dorms.

What is even more surprising is how prefects like Joel Samec, who “were stuck with the most Freshmen Rockers of any prefect” last year may not have any of this class in their dorm next year. None of them, as far as IIT intelligence knows, has applied to be part of either Joel or Francis’ dorms.

While the school may try to alleviate this and pressure some Sophomores (Class of 22 Freshmen Rockers in all but name) into residing in these to bring better balance to the campus, no situation in a 95% confidence level totally evens out this coming heavy discrepancy.

Are they good for studying?

Well, the space offered by the new Insulae should make these great for studying as potency. However, that they can have as many as five people per room might leave a chance of them being as rooms 404, 405, or 415 at the hotel in hosting a large immigrant population from down the hall or down the street at other dormitory locations.

Be prepared if your in one of these rooms for many distractions then as there’s always a chance something like this dialogue may occur:

“I studied this one last night, it’s complicated. 
What’s that picture...Marcus, you playing in the snow?
We should study like this more often.
Get off my Twitter its private!” - Joe

Marcus: "What is Twitter”

Joe - “It should be 140 not 280 characters.”

Marcus- “We need a leader, not a dirty tweeter.” - W.C.C. “studying”

“I posted something every two seconds about Trump, I’m less radical than I used to be.” - Joe Nemec (The “big red” hat)

In one way its exciting, in another off putting, but studying potential in these dorms is unpredictable. Just how successful you are at studying (and this is a life lesson applicable everywhere, is highly dependent on your definition of the same. Call “quote studying” studying (as I like to think it is)? Then you’re perfect for these. But on the other hand, are you one of those “can’t get away from the books” people? In that case we suggest trying out the Classic Style or if you were there last year, the “Modern-Quadrastudent Blocks”.

Studying is not guaranteed to be perfect at these, but we believe the potential for it to be per se and in fact is more actualized according to nature than it will likely be at the party dorms to be found at the Insulae.

Partee Time: How much noise can we make?

At the Classic dorms, it’s simple. Make noise if you’re on the warpath or participating in an elevated, philosophical experience of the real guided by your prefect. The only danger we see is if your not in Athanasius and they here you and get angry. But this danger may be reduced as IIT talked to John Henry, the new prefect of Athanasius, who declared that his dorm will take a “methodic, philosophical path in regards to its military. We suspect dorm raids will soon occur, but the situation where any action, loud noise, or annoyance would provoke violence is apparently over.

In other situations, follow the rule of metal. If you think your favorite heavy metal group would play as loud as you intend your noise to be, then its fine. You are not, as some might suggest, disrespecting other students to be loud, but are leading them on to a higher experience of the real (especially pronounced if your music/noise has even s few of the harmonic relationships of heavy metal. and its ultimate reality sharing truths.

Loud music and violent noises late at night are loved by nearly all people, an IIT report uncovered recently

At the other dorms, however, you have outside neighbors, ones who may never even want to consider making the philosophical ascent to the temple of metal. In this case, keep the goal of their conversion in mind, and blast praise and worship songs at them as much as possible.

We don’t yet know the prefects’ rules about such matters, so you may have to follow a stricter rule on a case by case basis than these general guidelines.

Which has the best prefect?

Well, it depends on what you’re looking for. A Junior guaranteed to be fanatic about the real, music, and dancing? A Senior who wants to leave you alone and be left alone? Yourself?

Juniors will run most of the Classic style dorms this coming year, so if you prefer the so called “real experience” that would be the place to be. Seniors get the Modern-Quadrastudent Blocks and the Insulae with what is predicted to be a hands-off, quiet, and maybe even aloof experience.

Again, its your choice, but we suggest you research the background, life story, and nature of each prefect and come to your own decision on which of them is best for you. You might get the Rocker prefect who’s cool like you of course, if you don’t do this and pick a dorm blindly, but then you would also risk getting into a place where the grass always seems greener…like one who said, “I don’t know if we could still be friends if I were a prefect. I’d have to dress code you every day.”

Choosing a roommate

Well, the Insulae and the Quadrastudent Blocks let you have roommates plural, so this might be more of a process for some but the basic process is simple. Just ask people. They don’t have to be your best friends, they don’t have to be in the same class as you (although they usually can’t be freshmen) and they don’t have to be from your hometown or state. However, if you want to make a choice demonstrating a symbolic geometric perfection, the “roommate rule” here has been a popular choice and may continue to be.

Here’s how it works:

The Roommate Rule

  • First, you must be in a dating relationship (pseudo, contrapositive, Cyrillic, dorm, religous, etc, it doesn’t really matter) where your date already has a roommate picked out.
  • You find out who your date’s roommate is dating and room with that person
  • You now have constructed two parallel rooms on the same base set up so that their corresponding persons are equal.
  • As You: Your Date :: Your Roommate : Their Date a beautiful correspondence illustrating the Euclidean truths of reality in formal situations.
  • If the geometric unity of this situation degrades, as when one of these two parallel relationships set up in symmetry “breaks up” as the common slang goes you’ve set yourself up with “insurance” of sorts.
    • You simply switch with your roommate in this case and date their past date.
    • It’s so easy, simple, and convenient
  • If you are in a larger room of three or more people or are yourself not dating this rule may be harder to follow in choosing your roommates but at least keeping it in mind can help you establish future prospects by looking at correspondences from others in your room to their date’s room.

Well, that’s about all there for now. We hope you get your dorm situation set up soon and that this article helped inform you of all the complexities involved in doing so, in order for you to make the best possible choice.

Tell us if we missed anything and we’ll update, expand, correct, modify, erase, construct, etc. this article to make it even better than metal (TM)!

Here’s to another year of the Student Rockers – now as a Sophomore Rocker.