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Sao Paulo, Brazil – The “Amazonian Synod” as it is so often called may be going a little father than originally intended, or more likely, that what they wanted people to realize. In an exclusive interview with IIT News, Cardinal Gunter Schuster of Dusseldorf announced his “parishioner-facing” plan to launch a new Church, the “amazonchurch” in a joint-venture with Amazon.com. Running off of Amazon’s advanced technology, logistics, and sales platforms, amazonchurch will epitomize both the best modern technology can do for a church experience and the best wisdom and insights of the Amazonian synod.

“Its the first fully customizable church, built with you in mind!” he says, “and today only a six-month membership is free for Amazon Prime members.” Amazonchurch will be quite different from what Schuster calls the “out-of-date brick and mortar churches” with a “take what you want, customize everything, and have it delivered to your door approach”

“We’ll offer all you’d ever want in a liturgy… at home!” Schuster continues. “Simply go to church.amazon.com to sign up and you can instantly begin building the church you want, with what you want.”

Subscribers simply choose what they want in their church and are sent a weekly “church in a box kit”. Don’t like one of the innovative liturgical practices you received one week? Free returns and instant refunds. Want to change your beliefs? They’re yours, but just log on and have them changed online to update what you’ll receive next week. Free two-day shipping on every kit, and options that grow every day will make amazonchurch a leader in the “Church industry” from day one in diversity of belief, practice, and cult.

This sort of break off would usually be termed a schism, as Cardinal Schuster is currently a Roman Catholic Cardinal, but Schuster denies the label for his plans saying its just a “larger version of the idea of a satellite church, just applied to a capital-c Church instead of a lowercase individual local community.”

Surprisingly, Schuster also has the support of dozens of liberal pastors around the world who plan to make their current churches into “amazonchurch” distribution centers. He is cautious on this though as such a “brick and mortar presence” may make his new venture look too much like “organized religion”.

Amazonchurch faces new competition from Google’s recently launched church streaming service, “HomeChurch” which is offering a sixty-inch LCD screen, buybacks on all customers’ morals, and twelve months of streaming sermons from Fr. James Martin, who is reportedly also to to be producing “inspirtational content” for Amazonchurch.


IIT does not support or endorse either of these new two church concepts nor have we reached Andrew’s Cult of the Tree of Life for comment at this time. His organization, however, is offering free copies of his gospel on their website right now: andrew.irktutskicetruckers.com, in a promotion we beleive, may be trying to forestall market share shift to Google and Amazon.