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Revealed quite accidentally today in a Sophomore Theology class at Wyoming Catholic College was the stunning revelation that staff professor and former dean Dr. Jeremy Holmes was the secret ghostwriter for what is called Aquinas’ Compendium of Theology. Stunned students looked on in “mind-melting blue-screen confusion” as Sophomore Omnisciens put it when Dr. Dziud let it out that “one of the editors wrote what they were reading rather than Aquinas”. Everyone instantly realized the truth.

Dr. Holmes

Chapter 5 of the Compendium was then in discussion and termed by Dr. Dziad an interpolation “by a later editor” but its quite easy to see how his statement extends to the entire book. For by our underlying sophistical principles applied to the concept of a book’s essence, one sees how an entire book’s “body text” is an interpolation between its covers. As the Compendium is said to be a bookthe text of it is then an interpolation. To this conclusion and that one prior, we can add the simple fact that Dr. Holmes, Dr. Bolin, and Dr. Kwasniewski were listed as the book’s editors as we see from the book itself, to make a completed syllogism to at least one of them being the actual author.

  • An interpolation is written by a later author/editor
  • The body of a book is an interpolation between the back cover and the front cover.
  • The Compendium is said to be a book. Therefore it has a body (said in the manner of a “body text”)
  • As later authors/editors, we have Dr. Bolin, Dr. Holmes, and Dr. Kwasneiwski listed within the Compendium itself.
  • Therefore, Dr. Bolin, Dr. Holmes, and Dr. Kwasneiwskiwrote the interpolation in the Compendium, which, in this case, is the entire body.

Of these three possibilities, Dr. Bolin can be ruled immediately as an option because he is a philosopher by trade and the Compendium is a theological work. At most, he could only be an advisor to the actual author. Similarly, Dr. Kwasniewski being the author is unlikely as the Compendium, while containing Latin, also contains an English translation of its text in what linguists say is pervaded by post-Vatican II metaphors, accent, and dialect. Obviously Dr. Kwasniewski could not have written such a work, so we are left with Dr. Holmes as the only logical possibility for being the true author.

No one has questioned Dr. Holmes yet about this fact, but IIT investigators are starting to suspect that this is more than just a theory amongst the sophomore class. An anonymous senior simply told us that “Everyone knows that!” as he told us the reason for us using a “fake Thomas Aquinas work”. Wyoming Catholic College’s rivalry with Thomas Aquinas College precluded them from getting access to any works actually of Thomas Aquinas that are used at TAC exclusively, Faith for Dumb Oxes, or Heretic Stew and Other Recipes, for example. “It’s kind of mean,” our source told us, “but they won’t give us the real stuff since they hold the copyright to Thomas Aquinas’ real works. “We probably wouldn’t want to read it here anyway, as we want to shake off the notion that ‘we’re just TAC with horses’ and actually be different.”

Hence, when the WCC founders found out that they couldn’t use Aquinas, they had Dr. Holmes write out his own version under the name of Aquinas. Hence, we’re investigating whether his daughter has an unfair advantage in, as a student here, studying what her dad in fact wrote, but at present, we’re mostly just focusing on the craziness of our not noticing this fact until we got the “jolt” of the last syllogistic premise from Dr. Dziad.

At least we know who to talk to if we’re confused. Simply walk upstairs and ask Dr. Holmes what he meant. It makes Theology so much more of a hopeful class in terms of ability to understand the material than when we thought it was Aquinas’ writing.

We’re also now investigating whether Dr. Grove, in fact, wrote “Aristotle’s” De Anima and Physics instead of Aristotle. He has insinuated, come to think of it, that they weren’t really written by Aristotle either… It does read like something Dr. Grove would write, come to think of it.  

 Other experts from the WCC theology department have proposed referring to Dr. Holmes in this formality as Pseudo-Aquinas in the same fashion as Pseudo-Dionysus, given the extreme similarity between their respective situations.