March 20, 2019-Lander, Wyoming.
It was a quiet evening in the City of Lander. The evenings had warmed significantly and the promise of spring hovered on the allegorical horizon. However, for one student the local Catholic college, there was no time to take it easy and enjoy the weather; he had work to do. Late in the evening, he entered the education building on the Holy Rosary campus, shuddering as he passed by the dark, seemingly lifeless classrooms, whose dark windows gaped at him like eyeless sockets. Finally, he entered a room, activating the lights, which turned on with a dim, flickering glow. An otherworldly chill passed through the young man, even though it there was ample warmth in the room.
He had just deployed his laptop computer and begun typing when he heard it: a high-pitched giggle, as of a young woman with her beau. His heart shrank within his chest. He’d heard the legends, but surely they weren’t true. They couldn’t be. There were no amorous spirits inhabiting this building. He listened for a few more seconds, then returned to his work, deciding that it must have simply been the pipes settling. Not three lines had he written when he heard it again, but louder and more clearly. He might have wailed, but for fear of giving himself away. Indeed, they were here, and they had come to torment him, a proud, independent bachelor.
He had heard of other men who had encountered such spirits and been exposed to shameful horrors nearly beyond description: the unforgettable vision of a moonlit side hug seared into the mind, the quiet, “I’ll be in Crux later,” uttered in a moment of unbridled passion, the inexorable tug of gravity making an unsuspecting man a third-wheeling cuddle-buddy as two more sit down beside him on a couch that was only designed for two in the first place… It was too much. He couldn’t allow that to be his fate.
Hands trembling, he brought up his Google Hangouts. “Man, I need you,” he wrote. Within seconds, Hangouts pinged as the response came back. “What’s up?” The student laid out the situation, and his friend replied, “Hang in there, bro, I’m comin’ for ya.” Several minutes later, Rocc Holyday entered the building, steel and wood strapped to his side. He drew and shredded on all six strings, blasting away into the night with chord after devastating chord.
All the most sacred rock ‘n’ roll anthems of the single man were heard that night, and in the distance could be heard the shrieks of the pagan gods of affection as Mr. Holyday’s piece spoke through the darkness, with its volleys of sonorous ammo, finally and effectually managing to kill ‘the mood’, driving out the affection that had corrupted the place and returning all couples at last to a state of mere friendship.
Somewhere in a dark corner, the WCC student breathed a quiet sigh of relief and returned to his work, safe at last. Although he wished to remain anonymous, this young man said that he is very grateful for his friend. He affirms that everyone should realize “the power of rock ‘n’ roll,” saying, “It really was a life-saver in there. Had Rocc not come… Man, I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about what might have happened.”
At press time, Mr. Holyday has caught wind of an engagement in the offing and is readying the tools of his trade. He just released a statement, saying, “These kids never learn. They have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I will do what I can. Hopefully, it isn’t too late.” We at IIT wish him the best of luck in his endeavors.