Lander, WY. April 11, 2021.

When the email came in, everybody assumed that it was a mistake. Where it should have said ‘creepy guy,’ the subject line said something about an ‘attractive young man’ who was spotted in the vicinity of Crux. There were two reasons why this didn’t make sense. First, why would there be a warning about that? Second, the odds of that actually happening seemed pretty low overall. No guy who warranted that kind of attention had been seen since the last reported sighting of Everett Polinski, and not everyone believes the mythos surrounding his Achillean features, either.

While most people just assumed that it was a prank on the part of Dwalin McHearty, the school’s jovial Director of Student Life, some students decided that it was a subject that needed deeper investigation, including IIT’s own Sophia Donaldson. She reports being slightly disappointed on walking into Crux and finding the usual crowd, when all of a sudden, there he was. “Hey, girl. I’m Chadmus St. Athanasius LaCroix. I seem to have lost my Rosary and I was wondering if I could use your fingers instead?” It was all to much for Ms. Donaldson, and she swooned on the spot. Sitting in the corner, Mr. McHearty sighed, “Third one today… Do these kids even read their emails?”