Lander, WY – Local Wyoming Catholic College (WCC) white girls have switched allegiance from essential oils to the almighty hookah after the school’s hookah master Benjamin Woodhays unveiled a new “Pumpkin Spice Sheeshah” tobacco blend at tonight’s all-inclusive hookah community experience on the porch of St. John’s.
“Come children,” Woodhays called across the dark valley that separates St. John’s, the place of enlightenment, culture, testosterone, and virtue from the poor huddled masses in those places known colloquially as “girl’s dorms” where the oppressive industry cabal known as “Big Essential Oil” rules with an iron fist, while its propaganda entangles the women’s minds into spending all of their money on the latest and greatest “smells.”
Wonderfully, somehow, several of the women rose from the ashes of this pitiful state, charmed by the warm words of hope from across the valley of despair as Woodhays continued, playing off one addiction of women against another in hopes of raising a few to freedom: “Children, behold, a gift of pumpkin spice awaits. Come. Try. Taste and see how spicy it is.”
Figures rose and crossed the valley and soon a swooning mass appeared upon the steps of the porch centered around the towering, muscular, and handsome Woodhays. He smiled. He had freed some women from the pit.
The women, one by one, stepping up to the porch, accepted the hookah into their hands, and took a puff each, a puff of life, a puff of hope, a puff of freedom, the sweet smell of freedom.
The Prophet (Woodhays) opened his mouth again. “This, my friends, is freedom, that you partake not of the oil of the wicked, but of the smoke of the fire of the coals of the ancient tradition of the hookah”, and the women were now initiated into the Baghdad House of WisdomTM 3.0.
Big Essential Oil is reportedly retooling their manufacturing facilities in an attempt to produce “essential motor oils” that they hope will “get guys hooked” on their products and fill the huge losses the companies of this notorious cabal are expected to post after losing their primary customers, “white girls.”
Woodhays will help preserve the WCC women in their new healthy habits and away from essential oil addiction by offering them other hookah flavor options like peppermint patty, cinnamon spice, and gingerbread over the next few months.