Sinks Canyon, located in the Milky Way Galaxy, around a star named the Sun, on a planet called Earth, in a country called the United States of ‘Merca, in the state of Wyoming, seven miles from the town of Lander, is a canyon. It looks like a canyon, and because it does, it is a canyon. Filled with rocks, it lets you see the ten layers of rock that quantify and example the past ten trillion years of Earth history.
Sinks Canyon’s first or lowest layer is the foundation cement made out of Neptunian concrete and laid down approximately ten trillion years ago. No one can drill down below this layer because it identifies as a federally protected bird species, so it is not known what lies beneath. Above this layer of rock concrete is a layer of rubble about three inches thick from when Troy was built thousands of years and destroyed by the evil Greeks here. The atomic bomb set off by Odysseus that ultimately leveled Troy leveled the topography of the area so much that a tidal wave submerged this area where Sinks Canyon now sits into a shallow wind-swept sea, laying down a layer of radioactive sandstone about eleven feet thick over the next few million years.
The ocean receded eventually from the land but an ice age concurrent with Caesar’s battle against the Gauls, who were really the indigenous peoples of Wyoming pretending to live in France/England. This ice age and the concurrent collision of a since disintegrated terrane with the land around this now canyon caused massive faulting and the uplift of the Wind River mountain to the west, but this region collapsed downward and became again submerged, with the new lake, Lake Azurite above, laying down another sedimentary layer, this time a limestone shell, over the surface. Lake Azurite retreated, but Viking invasions left a layer of rubble from their shipwrecks, and later – land battles – there.
A layer of magma covers these, and was accidentally formed by pouring out from a tunnel created by Professor Patton when he and his scientific team used sophisticated apparatus to drill several miles down through the gentle slopes west of Lander (what is now Sinks) and investigate the many phenomena of the region. This disaster destroyed their equipment but Professor Patton managed to escape with severe injuries to only one man, a medical phenomenon man named Timmy, whom Dr. Cyril Patton was collecting the magma to experiment upon with. Layers of metamorphic rock, which is created by magma, came out from this “tunnel”, but little damage occurred to Lander, only appearing to be as much as the regularly expected damage from a dorm raid. A second highly localized ice age followed during August of 2018 in which glaciers slowly sliding from west to east carved the gentle slope that originally was this land into a steep canyon. A moraine of rubble at the bottom of the now canyon reveals the sophistication of the former inhabitants of the region, as evidenced by the motorcycle parts strewn there that make up much of the rocky moraine.
Misuse of a camping stove by Max Terlisner created the next layer in September 2018 as Dr. Lasnoski maintained in Theology class, “You don’t need to tell an adult not to touch a stove. Well, maybe you, Mr. Terlisner” (Lasnoski, 65). When he accidentally “touched” a stove and knocked it over, a water main broke somehow in a chain reaction caused because his action made Dr. Zepp crash the van they were both in – into a fire hydrant. The water which gushed out from the damaged fire hydrant in sinks canyon washed abundant silt and dust particles into the canyon, creating yet another layer of material along the canyon’s floor. Max, Dr. Zepp, and the van survived, and the water flood was stopped after releasing only a few swimming pools worth of water, but the damage was done to the canyon and to Maximus (the van).
Next, and that same month, a layer of rock developed in a few scattered places, covering about one-thousandth of one percent of the ground in and around sinks canyon composed of lost nalgene fragments from WCC students out on Field Science excursions. In an around this layer of sediment one can if they look for days and days, find fossilized evidence of lost student backpacks and drawing implements. Although not truly a layer, this “layer” is perhaps the most scientifically interesting, because lost nalgenes are so psychologically depressing to WCC students that they have caused an infection of all-student-emails sent by their crazed and deranged former owners, including me.
This may not make ten layers, but however many they are, Sinks Canyon is a deep place, with a lot of mystery, and is best described by this phrase, and “when the will of Zeus was accomplished by the turning of my page”. Zeus, I mean, Andrew’s will, was accomplished by the creation of Sinks Canyon as it best represents Andrew’s glory, mercy, and justice in its radioactivity, portability, and non-allergicness to close reading. Brendan Floody should be proud of how his prophecy was accomplished when back in 2019 he was said to have said (by me who made it up in 2018) that “out of Andrew’s tree a canyon shall rise, which shall be the way of freedom for much air” (Floody, 36). Sinks Canyon helps save the world by providing more volume for air to flow into, removing air pressure, and so reducing people’s stress levels, the frequency of severe wars and nuclear fallout. Sinks Canyon is thus the true “anti-war-hero”.
Bibliography:
Floody, Brendan. Sinks Canyon and Modern Warfare: A Meteorological Connection. Santa Paula: Thomas Aquinas Books, 2019
Lasnoki, Dr. Kent. Heresy Flags for Y’all: How Everyone is Awwwwfull. Anza: Terlisneri Libri, 2017
Zagorski, Dr. Mikolaj. The Legend and the Glory. Patterson: Let’s Mik a Book, 2014
Zepeda, Dr. Henry. Why Geology Is No Friend To Small Business. Lander: Wyoming Catholic Press, 2018
Zepp, Dr. Jacob. Dr. Zepp’s Guide to Fine Driving. Appleton: Zepp Books, 2018