Lander, May 24: A new IIT study into the effects of “coffee-dipping” finds no link between it and foot-injuries but statistical analysis finds that it may have an addicting effect.
Discovered by Professor Thomas Urgo last fall as during “Smoke-Free September”, coffee-dipping has become the new rage since amongst the Freshmen Rockers. “It’s everywhere,” says Brandon Tillman, a “freshmore” from Washington. “I saw a lot of coffee back home in Washington, but now, people chewing on beans everywhere!”
Professor Urgo invented this practice of sucking or chewing on coffee beans last fall as part of a broader participation within the “Free” movement on campus at WCC. September as “Smoke-Free September” required something else then cigarettes for the school’s many philosophers who chose to participate in the movement, leading Professor Urgo to hurriedly conduct thousands of experiments on possible replacement practices for the duration of the month. “It was a hard project,” he admits, “to find that right amount of ‘spicy’ and action, of taste and of function, but I got the inspiration when I talked to JohnJohn for awhile.”
And his inspiration took off, with a reported 46% of WCC students in a recent IIT survey having tried coffee dipping at the urge of either Professor Urgo or JohnJohn. But, what surprised many until we decided to investigate was that the practice didn’t stop with the end of “Smoke-Free September” . Students were continuing to “coffee-dip”, and the practice didn’t and shows no signs of, stopping.
Funded by a grant from the IIT Foundation, IIT investigated the cultural constructs surrouding the practice and the accidental characteristics of the practice itself intensively. And…? Aretari Polinski, our chief staff scientist says that while the results may be “inconclusive”, the action of coffee-dipping “rewires the sophistical part of one’s brain. We believe this may be expressed as one being addicted to the substance, coffee beans, and the act, dipping with them.”
Further more conclusive conclusions would require a deeper study, and Aretari hopes to find also the long term effects of addiction to coffee dipping. For now, however, he advises all t “avoid it if possible for the time being”.
IIT has not yet determined the effect of this study on the worldwide coffee market, a decline in which could hurt the supposed spouse to be of Cami years ago, when she was to be a so-called “coffee-bride” to this unidentified man.
As of May 25th, Professor Urgo has not yet made any statement about our report on the practice he devised.