The Fake Peloponnesian War

Why would Athens and Sparta, so recently having fought off the Persians, so soon find some of their own involved in conspiracies for their aid in the Peloponnesian War While Thucydides argues that this is all natural according to human nature and people following the supposition that the “weak must suffer what they must and the strong do what they can”, these are only a few of the strange inconstancies in his account. Rather, however, the story of Greek history is actually quite different, true accounts having been suppressed in the face of Spartan military propaganda. Only the recent discovery of direct descendants of the Spartans and their official documents are finally beginning to correct deep millenia long errors about the Peloponnesian War. While in a way it happened, the actual story of the war is quite different from the legends Thucydides purported.

Greece did fight Persia, and Herodotus’ account of the Persian War is mostly correct. However, following the war, even as Sparta showcased its military strength, the city’s true power was hidden and much greater than Thucydides admits. As a recent discovery of Spartan military units in Lander demonstrates, Sparta had a long term plan for conquering the world, and their forces are still in action more than two thousand years later. Although otherwise appearing as ordinary citizens, several men found just this year with a cache of weapons, spy technology, and a set of written orders from a “Spartan North America Occupation Office”, show that Sparta is still around and ambitiously focused on conquest. In the time of Thucydides, Spartan power went mostly underground or hidden from world view. All of the Peloponnesian Wars, the decisions of Athens that led it to failure, the Athenian plague, the weirdly brutal views of the Athenians in the Melian dialogue and the Mytilenian debate, all was part of the Spartan plan. Since immediately after the Persian Wars, which some are now starting to see as part of an even larger plot involving Space monkeys who controlled Greece and Persia, Spartan agents infiltrated the government, culture, and societies of the rest of the Greek cities. Pericles, even for all his apparent patriotism, was actually a Spartan agent, the Athenian plague germ warfare by Sparta’s Advanced Offensive Technologies military unit.

But on the way to this point, Sparta, as it infiltrated Athens and the rest of Greece, aimed to spark a war, devastating and destructing, that would cloak its deeper attempts at infiltration. Herein, even as war broke out between Sparta and Athens, Sparta at the level of its top generals and hidden forces was ultimately in control. What surprises many about this, however,  is the small detail that nearly all of the true generals and leadership of the Spartan secret army were women. Even sources affected by Spartan disinformation point to this conclusion with the exercising Spartan women were required to participate in. While these tainted sources say it was to make their babies stronger, do we really believe this? No, it was because they were the true army of warriors Sparta was secretly training and spreading throughout the Peloponnesus and beyond. Since the discovery of this conspiracy, however, WCC popular culture has caught up as with Joe Nemec saying, “No, no I want to be the Spartan woman!”. This was in reference to the play Lysistrata and which character he would prefer being, but speaking of the Lysistrata, the inexplicability of the women’s actions in the play is explained rather easily as one of the few times the Spartan secret forces’ true power came out into the open.

After a complete farce of a war, Spartan forces remained in hiding even as their hidden influence continued to spread. Spartans took over the Roman government and were responsible for its transition to an empire under Julius Caesar, himself a Spartan. In Israel, the Spartans were slightly less successful in mixing with the Jews, but became the Sadducees, the Samaritans, and again many of the Roman soliders in the area. The Jews recognized the threat they posed and planned, making the parable of the “Good Samaritan”, that is really a “Good Spartan” so striking to Jesus’ listeners. Similarly, among the Romans, due to their truly holding power, Spartans dominated the tax collectors and again creating another surprise for Jesus’s followers when He chose to dine with one of them named Zacchaeus. Zacchaeus was one of only a few of the hidden Spartan military command to defect and leak their plans as Sparta worked to censor any writings that revealed their true power and designs.

While their power was spreading and they almost literally controlled world events, Christianity threw confusion into their plans and a shortage of funding as revenue to temples, the chief Spartan source of income to maintain their army, agents, and weapons development, declined. This led the chief Spartan general of the time (1^st Century), Iphigenia Kleio to suspend their plans for the conquest of the remaining continents and eventually space. Spartan agents throughout the Mediterranean later succumbed to mysterious assassination attacks that reduced their number by more than 99% and throwing the few survivors into disarray. But, still, however, Sparta controlled the media, and at this time, the sixth century, they decided merely to postpone still longer their ultimate plans. They waited, grew back in numbers and regrouped.

Recently then Sparta was responsible for both Communism and Nazism, but under the cloak of their still operating misinformation campaign, almost no one outside of their agents knew that such a threat as them even existed. This all changed with the recent discovery of Spartan military units in Lander, Wyoming in 2019, but even now the extent of the Spartan influence over millennia has left few moved or convinced by the discovery. But the Spartans have been shaken by the discovery of one of their operating cells, as their agents repeatedly struck Lander and Wyoming Catholic College, in particular, to try to silence the discovery of their conspiracy. For example, heat rays damaged Ken and Betty’s ice cream supply enough to force them out of business, while two Spartan agents in suit and tie on Main St. repeatedly follow and verbally accost students. Spartan threats against Professor Washut’s family forced him and them into hiding for months this semester, while Cyril and Destiny, the original discoverers of the plot, were forced out of the school entirely by Spartan agents within its administration.

Spartan agents had set up headquarters within an unoccupied room of the hotel next to the hotel dormitories, but, moving into this new spot in late December, had not anticipated the number of students who would hang out in the hallways. Cyril and Destiny, separately, but each accompanied by another, were the two to notice them and their operation as they entered and exited at 3:30 in the morning. Overhearing the Spartan plans each when in this hallway and when their friend was immediately absent,  they each made to report but were followed and each only barely escaped with their life. Threatened subsequently for what they saw each left with little explanation within days but managed to leak details of what they saw to the local police and media and are now under 24/7 guard in fear of their lives. Police raided the hotel local headquarters, arresting five women with a large number of weapons and explosives including napalm and dynamite, and collected the aforementioned “real story” of Spartan involvement throughout history.

Now, the world is in a dangerous crisis for its existence, far worse than even the prophetic warning of a Landerite, “Drugs are dangerous! Don’t do the ones that make you do the high step like that!” Our danger is similar, the threat of a “high step” to destruction alike, although there is no awkwardness from “when a professor interrupts a drug deal” to face, only the planning and preparation of millennia of Spartans. What is most concerning to most is the inaction of the government and the police who simply released the documents and said, “Read that statement attentively and make your own judgment” When pressed officials said, “Maybe when a bit of time has passed, we’ll talk about it”, but this non-response has terrified all who have learned of the Spartan plot. Perhaps there is no hope, even when hope is faith as Louisa claims, “So… Hope is basically Faith that there is Hope?”

Of course, the Spartans are also preparing, calling in their allies, aunts, and acquaintances and making the situation much worse than fighting off a few NOLSeys or even Antifa. Instead, they’re loud, tough, and wear wristbands while carrying both a hitting stick, Spons Verberans and its cousins which they stole from Olivia, as well as a hitting towel. “You have to listen to me. I have a wristband” is reportedly to be their rallying cry according to the discovered Spartan documents. Hidden weapons stockpiles are everywhere around Lander and a few have already been uncovered such as one set off accidentally weeks ago that caused a raging brush fire next to Holy Rosary on Cemetary Hill. “Tired, despairing” all seems poised to fall before a new Spartan onslaught as laser cannons and an alliance with the bad of the race of Bigfoots and their flying saucers seem ready to further ensure their victory.

But “We are not intellectual wimps!” as Emily so courageously declared and Michel qualified equivocally, we “are really just a more complicated deer”. As “a more complicated deer” we can listen to the guidelines of the psalms “As a hart doth pant for streams of water, So my soul panteth toward Thee, O God” (Psalm 42:1 YLT). This means that to survive the Spartan onslaught we must “pant” out of breath for streams and fight from the PopoAgie river. Luckily the gas leak has been repaired, but the advisory that all avoid the river now is so much more understandable in the lens of this conspiracy. The Spartans had planned the leak to prevent us from entering the river to safety, but the fact that the leak is now fixed opens a greater new hope to us. Someone fixed the leak, someone went against the Spartan plan, someone else is on our side and realizes the danger, fighting for freedom.

And herein, while we are still in extreme danger and crisis from the Spartan threat, a resistance movement has opposed them for centuries, acting itself in secret and headquartered now in the Baldwin building basement. Only revealing themselves now, several WCC students in the Class of 2022 were secretly members of this organization and have just come out to fight for the freedom of Lander and the world. Anselm Terreri just came out as one of them, as Dr. Holmes noted of how he “fell for Anselm’s eight-dimensional underwater chess move”. Among thousands of individuals trained secretly to oppose the Spartans for centuries, Anselm practiced and perfected the art of “eight-dimensional underwater chess” (Decker, 189), actually a military tactic rather than a game, for a battle many expect to happen soon in the PopoAgie river. Other students observed quite often to be on the bridge of Main St. over the Popo Agie were similarly lookouts for this resistance, planning for the moment when we must “pant for streams of water” and there are reports that even some of the WCC founders themselves were part of this movement, forseeing that an eventual climax would involve Lander. The bicycle thefts and faked crash of Anselm’s car were thus but a pre-attack by Spartan forces on those they realized to be from their long-standing opponents, to reduce their mobility and ability to resist.

But it failed, Anselm’s car, since the accident, has become even more of a class car and the mobility of not only the Hotel Biker gang and the resistance to the Spartans but of Wyoming Catholic College students, in general, has instead but risen. Amidst a rising spirit unfazed by fear, Michael Rose has risen to be an inspirational motivator for the school shouting “Be assertive” as Blaise has joined the resistance with his typical candor, “There’s a chance of dying? I’m in!” (Floody, 244). Tension is rising, that is clear, but the fellow-student-rockers are giving it their all. Although “You are eighteen forever in the order of Melchizedek” as Andrew Russell claims, one can only be in his order if they survive. And survival against this Spartan threat means facing it head-on, a move that he and his family are taking in stride. On the occasion of her birthday, Andrew made his wife Carol to be a general, aiming to beat the Spartans at their own game. She and her twelve other sister wives are all fighting; inspired by the powerful, trademarked, and copyrighted all-consuming wrath of Andrew, they have begun to lead the resistance into the gentle waters of life and regeneration in the Popo Agie. Helped by Omnisciens, professors are confident there will be no danger with such a force fighting for them “It’s not even fun to let them go. You know they’re going to do a good job” (Whitmore, 26) comments Dr. Zepeda for example on this.

Nevertheless, the battle of Lander, the battle in the Popo Agie has not yet been fought. The great motion of centuries has yet to come to a conclusion; both a worldwide Spartan empire and a world freed from the menace and plotting control of Sparta exist in potentiality. Actualizing either end is up to us now, making the true epic struggle of peoples, not the one Thucydides exaggerated, but the true “greatest movement of all time” the present and not Thucydides’ imagination. Perhaps he truly believed the stories he was told, the lies and parlor tricks of the Spartan Secret Service. Perhaps he was himself a Spartan agent. It doesn’t matter though. We now know the truth, and as long as we keep in mind that equivocation really is destroying the world, listen to the wisdom of Andrew and his prophets, and don’t try to get that “exhilarating feeling of being out after curfew” (Nemec, 266), we at least know what to do.

Bibliography:

Decker, Marley. Decker Decker Decks for Everyone. San Antonio: Alamo Equine Press, 2011

Floody, Brendan. Sinks Canyon and Modern Warfare: A Meteorological Connection. Santa Paula: Thomas Aquinas Books, 2019

Galbraith, Blaise. Commentary on My Own Comments. Detroit: Dude-Bro Books, 2005

Malinoski, John, The Perfection of Philosophy in Comparison with the Pastry. Lander: NOLSey Books, 2018

Nemec, Joseph. I’m Less Radical Than I Used To Be. Austin: Big Red, 2016

Olsson, Dr. Scott. Logic is all a Big Fake. Lander: Wyoming Catholic Press, 2014

Stalin. Tough Act Arguments for Those in Power. Trans. Alger Hiss. Leningrad: Communist Books, 1925

Whitmore, Louisa. Imperfect Definitions of Imperfect. Denver: Risible Media, 2017