UPDATE AUGUST 7, 2019 6 AM MST: Cardinal Schuster made a comment at 10am Wednesday morning Dusseldorf time, saying that “he didn’t find enough ‘life energy channeling spirits’ in Andrew”. Take that for what you will, but he has invited the “Galbraith Contra-Potentiality Pro-Depression-Party-Spirit cult” to the Amazonian synod in the place of Andrew’s cult because it instead “offers full equality for all the A through Zs” and its leader “offers a much better character for what we hope to accomplish”
Rome, Italy – Stunning liturgical observers, Andrew Russell’s Wyoming cult, the Cult of the Tree of Life, sometimes known as the Evangelium Andreii, was disinvited today from participating in the Amazonian Synod scheduled to be held this Fall in Rome. “We may have been a little more radical than they were looking for,” says cult spokesman Omnisciens Scit, “But we thought polygamy, math worship, contra-dancing in the liturgy and our other innovatively exciting practices would be at least offered a chance.”
Along with Metal@Worship, Hedonists United, and Bugini Forever, the Cult of the Tree of Life was originally invited to participate as part of an ecumenical plan to bring innovations and enhancements to the Catholic Church. Non-voting at least initially, three representatives from each organization were to present to the assembled synod and offer suggestions. For several Wyoming Catholic College sophomores who were to so represent Andrew Russell’s cult, this disinvital thus comes as a deep personal shock and let down.
“We were supposed to be given the time off,” complains one anonymously, “Now since we can’t represent the wisdom of Andrew to the world they’ll make us stay at school, and that means… Book 12, Prop 17.” Here in our interview, this aforementioned student fainted showing just how much the Cult of the Tree of Life has meant for students enslaved by and in fear to the classwork of college life. She recovered only after being told that it was fashionable for Sophomores to sleep in and miss classes, and she could do this even without the trouble and excuse of a religious exemption.
Cardinals running the synod, including Gunter Schuster of Dusseldorf did not explain upon request as to why Andrew Russel’s movement was invited and then excluded, but IIT sources suggest that even as the ideas espoused by the Cult of the Tree of Life were to the liking of the synodal organizers, they distrusted Andrew Russell from holding to them in practice. “He and William are known traditionalist Catholics,” our staff Average Muslim Liturgist commented, “and they worried about some of his actions watering down his message.”
This disagrees with cult spokesman Omnisicens Scit’s view on the matter, that the ideas of the cult were themselves thought too radical, but as rumors have spread in the past twenty-four hours that the Amazon synod will select another WCC religion for representation (because so many cults have started there) we’ll find out our sources’ veracity quite soon. Apparently, Lingua Latina arch-villain and Spartan-leader Sextus may be making a grand reveal at the Amazonian Syondo this fall as well, so IIT will definitely be keeping an eye on the situation, particularly of course with its connection to WCC but also in its new and rapidly expanding globally-focused coverage.