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October 7, 2019- Lander, Wyoming.

In an emergency meeting held at The Inn at Lander, the CEOs of Philip Morris USA, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, and Santa Fe Natural Tobacco got together with local tobacco vendors to discuss strategies to combat the steady decline of tobacco sales in the city.

There were several topics that came up in particular. The primary issue was the apparent realization by students that cigarettes aren’t good for the body. For the tobacco industry, the effects of such an epiphany may prove to be far-reaching, as the students were once reliable customers but many of them lead physically active lives. Once the rumors that one could breathe easiest while not smoking a pack a day started to circulate, the devotees of cardiovascular activities trended toward a sharp decline in their smoking habits.

The execs were also concerned about the students’ recent discovery that tobacco acts as a carrier for trace amounts of the highly dangerous radioactive isotopes, polonium-210 and lead-210. This results from the plants’ efficient absorption and retention of those isotopes from the soil, where they occur naturally, and from phosphate fertilizers used by many growers. Ever since the discovery of these elements in the plants, the industry has attempted to keep the facts quiet, as Americans tend to be very concerned about radiation in general, and the gluing of radioactive isotopes to the lining of the lungs with tar for decades, in particular. Students, as it would happen, are not so very different from the average American.

Finally, the discussion turned to the WCC dating culture. Nothing, it would seem, puts out a good smoker quite like someone they hope to love and cherish for a long time. This seems particularly true of those relationships in which the significant other pressures the smoker into taking better care of his or her self.

While no solid solutions were discovered during the course of the conference, it was suggested that perhaps some consideration should be given to options that, while not as cheap and easy as cigarettes, are more in line with reason and the good health of the human person. It has been discovered that, while cigarettes are in decline, pipes and cigars have remained more or less stable in popularity at the College.

Let a health be smoked at the next pipe night to that.