Lander, WY – In the midst of absolutely massive and quite overblown in our editor’s view, hysteria over the so-called “novel coronavirus” outbreak, basic supplies like hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and cigarettes are running out fast.

Now students at Lander, WY’s Wyoming Catholic College already have their own supplies of hand sanitizer from outdoor adventure experience,, can roll their own cigarettes, smoke mint, or even join the latest incense smoking trend. But finding an adequate supply of, or replacement for, toilet paper, turned out to be a more difficult matter for school administrators, debated “heavily” at this week’s faculty meeting.

Philosophy professor Dr. Stanley Bolson suggested simply using leftover thesis drafts as a replacement, but after everyone remembered that the seniors had already burned them and their flash drives at the thesis-turn in party by mistake, it was on to Dr. Papadopolopodopolous’ idea, using the excess pages of freshmen copies of The Landmark Thucydides, given that so much of the book is never read.

But Dr. Carolina “didn’t want to frighten the poor young freshpersons with the truth of the dire situation”, or, more importantly, “disrupt their studies of such a seminal work”.

So move on they had to, with Dr. Zimmer’s novel, but to WCC students experienced in the backcountry, a quite ordinary solution making total sense to all: “Rocks and stones, just like on COR…Works there, why not right here in Lander?”

Adopted by the board unanimously, the new policy takes effect on March 14th, about when the school’s supplies (the last in Lander) are projected to run out with a reusable supply of stones to be made available in all restrooms.

Several boxes of unwanted books were discovered by Raymond Tardiff in the school basement after the announcement was made but rather than converting these for use within, the school will “sell them to NOLS” to raise cash according to a high-ranking school official close to the president.

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