Lander, WY – Fed up with flirting, dating, and maybe even smooching going on in every corner of the school a group of students demands blanket relief from having couples in every room. As future prefect Ruth complains: “They’re couples everywhere! Where can I go without stumbling all over them?” But the solution is simple as spokesman Sophia Donaldson for the organization Couples-In-Containment  “The simplest solution is to have couple-free zones where people won’t have to worry about couples being around. Tightening rules everywhere on campus would only cause greater blowback and a lot more problems while interfering with the most primary mission of WCC: getting people engaged.” 

Room could be cordoned off to be couple free, either all day, in evenings, mornings, or other parts of the day, or there could be rotations, but the relief will “finally give people who aren’t ready yet to focus on dating a small chance to maybe do some studying, get in a movie or two, or really anything else” Sophia adds. 

Enforcement is a problem in an otherwise simple proposal, as prefects, nearly all of whom are dating, probably won’t want to lock them and their date out of access to rooms around campus. “But we can always work outside the system,” Sophia adds, in what for her is a weirdly more libertarian statement for a typically solid sonservative. “We’’ get enough angry students to enforce it. Until they themselves start dating that is,” she said with a wink.

Student Life Office officials do want to modify current dating policies to reduce overcrowding in popular dating spaces, but they want a merely positive approach, along the lines of adding more space for people to date in, rather than compressing daters by removing them from certains spots. “We don’t want to add dating bans in particular rooms since it won’t do anything other than crowd couples elsewhere. The better solution is to add more space to campus and spread everyone out so everyone has more space, couples, and those who aren’t couples yet all included.”

Sophia still intends to press her case, convinced that “commonsense room-purposing is the easiest solution” although like every student, she “wouldn’t complain about more space on campus.”