Objection #1: It would seem that it is never appropriate for pineapple to be on top of pizza. For if pineapple is meant to be on top of pizza, it would be on top of pizza by nature. However, pineapple never naturally happens to occur on the top of pizza, and is always unnaturally placed on top by man. Therefore, one cannot say that pineapple belongs on the top of pizza.
Objection #2: Further, if pineapples are meant to be on top of pizza, then they would not be acidic, since the tomato sauce in pizza is also acidic. Eating too much acidic foods is harmful to health, as it may cause problems such as acid reflux, and bad digestion.
On the contrary: Jess Mohun, the pizza guy, and renowned Italian chef attests that “Pineapple on pizza is basically like a foreign ethnicity since it’s a foreign idea to most people. If you’re not accepting of all ethnicities, then you’re a racist. Therefore, if you don’t like the idea of pineapple on pizza, you are basically like a racist.”
I answer that: Pineapple belongs on pizza for three reasons. Firstly, pineapple is like nectar from the gods. It is juicy, sweet, succulent, and luscious in texture. Contrarily, the standard pizza with just cheese and tomato sauce is usually greasy, salty, bland, and just flat out predictable. Therefore, pineapple has the potential to vastly raise the overall taste of the pizza. The glorious, juicy sweetness of the pineapple on top of the otherwise salty blandness of standard pizza has the potential to create a sweet and salty combo of the heavens.
Secondly, pineapple is an incredibly healthy fruit, as it is loaded with just about everything one needs to be a healthy individual. For example, pineapple is incredibly rich in Vitamin C, contains disease-fighting antioxidants, has an abundance of digestive enzymes, and an assortment of other cancer-fighting properties. On the other hand, pizza is really not all that great for you. For example, pizza is highly inflammatory, can clog up and harden your arteries by displacing your body’s good cholesterol, can cause excessive weight gain, and may increase your risk of type 2 diabetes. Therefore, pineapple is meant to be on top of pizza, since the exceedingly healthy properties of pineapple balance out the assortment of unhealthy properties of pizza.
Thirdly, pineapple belongs on top of pizza because it is a testament to the unity of mankind and Earth. For example, modern pizza originated in Naples, Italy. Although originally a food exclusive to Italy, pizza has spread to become one of the most popular foods worldwide. Similarly, pineapples are native to tropical and subtropical South America. Therefore, putting pineapples on the top of pizza, a food that was once exclusive to Italy, is a sign more than anything that the different cultures and regions of Earth can be united.
Reply to Objection #1: If the argument is true that pineapple is not meant to be on top of pizza because it is unnaturally placed on top, then we can conclude that pizza is not meant to exist, because pizza is an inherently unnatural creation. For example, pizza itself does not exist in nature, and is made by man with ingredients like tomato sauce, cheese, and bread. Therefore, the very existence of pizza is just as unnatural as the placing of pineapple on top of pizza. But, of course, it is assumed that the existence of pizza is good, while pizza being unnatural. Therefore, the fact that placing pineapple on top of pizza is unnatural does not admit that placing pineapple on top of pizza is a bad thing.
Reply to Objection #2: While pizza and pineapples are both acidic foods, this does not admit anything as to why pineapple does not belong on pizza. For the potential health problems from eating too many acidic foods are not major, and thus prove to be a low cost when stacked with the many established benefits of eating pineapple on pizza. For example, as established above, pineapple is like sugary nectar from the gods and may provide immense pleasure when coupled with the saltiness of standard pizza. Similarly, the healthy properties of pineapple already balance out a lot of the unhealthy aspects of pizza. Therefore, it may be said that the cost of abstaining from pineapple pizza for minor potential health effects is far lower than the benefit of indulging in its sweet and salty, heavenly gloriousness.