Lander, WY – Having already been two years since their last public visit, Wyoming Catholic College junior Ruth Kress’ “posse”, or intriguing collection of family, extended family, double-extended family, friends, and perhaps friendly enemies returned to WCC several weeks ago over the Easter Triduum. Publicly, of course, their intentions were mild. “Running” the post-Easter Vigil party, “hanging out” with their friend, “walking” around town, “playing” frisbee, “buying” groceries, and the like. Oh yes, and they were also here to put on a play, Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night.
No one of course ever bothered to encount the uncountable swarm. No one attempted to meet all of them. No, not even our intrepid Everett Polinski was up to the task. But of course anyone who truly thought through the facts and circumstances of this visit didn’t need to do any of these tasks to prove that something was up.
For one, they were trying too hard to dress the part. Just look at them swarm into a room and ot was obvious. Attempting to blend in with the WCC community was apparently one of their top goals. Unfortunately for their attempts to come to Lander unnoticed, they must not have thought that the lack of enforcement of the dress code actually made them stick out more. Secondly, the fact that they are Protestant, err, that is, mostly.
Of course they could have been coming for Ruth Kress, if they were, as they argued, her friends, but so many people, all the way across the country, all the way from New York, in a van like this, with a name like Agatha? Who drives tanks like that for a peaceful harmless road trip?
According to a member of the group who spoke, fearfully and anonymously to IIT, the “Posse” claims that:
We come in peace, to view followers of the Catholic in their natural habitat for objective purposes. That being said we are leaving behind a devout protestant cat who is in the family way, in order to leave behind a self perpetuating legacy of protestant offsprings.
Of course we can’t expect 100% accuracy in our sources, but this quote only confirmed out first impression here at the IIT Newsdesk, that Ruth’s Posse’ real goal is taking over Wyoming Catholic College. And it grew more obvious the more our source continued talking to us.
We can neither confirm or deny that we are affiliated with any political, alien or military descent. We do although owe our fealty to an obscure 70’s hippie, little house on the prairie, granola growing, shakespearean movement. We come preaching the gospel of the Bard.
That “we can neither confirm or deny” is a key operative phrase as is the “granola growing” movement in support of which the “Posse” comes. What the “gospel of the Bard” really means doesn’t make much sense to us at IIT, but in the absence of better knowledge we’re simply going to assume it’s a Protestant phrase about world (or at least college) domination. What’s even more damning for the purposes of the group in visiting Lander, however, is the admission that they work for Ruth, her having paid for their military equipment as well as helping provide them a believable cover story, that of being “travelling players” for three years:
Ruth provided funds for three years of our prestigious skills as well as all of our… shall we say… devices. We tour around the country in our blue van Agatha, at Ruth’s continuous beck and call. Spending three years undercover in the disguise of traveling players has truly been exhausting. Members are on edge as their contracts are running short, pending renewal on the basis of character recommendations at our discretion.
Further, we don’t exactly know the context of this admission, but one of the members of the “Posse” was overheard talking about another member who was “offered hush money to remain silent.” About what? We’re very interested. Actually, we’re also very worried. However, again, it gets worse. According again to our source, the plan for the Posse was to take over not just WCC, but Lander as a whole:
Due to the fact that we are so incredibly underpaid by Ruth, we are unable to summon the sheer mass of cavalry needed to take over Lander. We will have to fall back on the cover of darkness, spies, banana peels, blackmail and murder by impressive fetes on the dance floor. One of our key strategies is striking while the majority of the population is fasting,during the upcoming easter festivities, in order to catch them in a weakened state.
“The cover of darkness, spies, banana peels, blackmail and murder by impressive fetes on the dance floor.” That all sounds pretty awful doesn’t it? But what actually happened? Everyone saw them leave Lander, it doesn’t seem like anything has changed at WCC. Protestants aren’t running the school, the printers still aren’t working, freshmen (and seniors) are still fighting over the same study areas and everyone who actually does their homework is still overworked and stressed. Nothing seems to have changed.
But according to our source within the “Posse” this is exactly according to their plan, with the “Posse” thinking of itself as:
Just like a vaccine into the heart of WCC that will slowly wipe out their independence until are succumbed into a new Protestant reality of liberal education, experiential education full of dance moves, and Kress family cooking everywhere, all the time.
No one within the WCC administration itself has yet commented on this report, but if true, I’d say this is pretty bad. Maybe we need to work something out with them? Treaty? Ceasefire agreement? Exchange of wine bottles? Nah, won’t work, they don’t drink. Peace pipe together around a campfire singing Kum-By-Uh? Or how does that song actually go?
I don’t know how to say it, but I’m pretty sure that if you love WCC now is the time to fight for it. Because if what our source within Ruth’s “Posse” told us true, WCC has already succumbed to the Protestant assault. So its time to Punga Pro Patria! Pugna Pro WCC! Pugnate Omnes Saltando! Yes, you heard that right, fight back by dancing, because WCC is the world’s last stand of definitively Catholic swing dancing, and Ruth’s “Posse” only wants to control WCC so that they can eliminate the recreation we love and replace it all with “contra”.