In an interview with an anonymous discontented student the student said “a small part of me dies every day I walk into the kitchen and see men languishing in effeminacy, squandering their talents, frittering their patrimony and indeed their very telos”. This is by no means an uncommon or newfangled opinion and now its rejoicing voice can be heard on the streets of Lander exulting in the recent corroboration pouring down the Baldwin stairs. Earlier this week, an anonymous janitor and IIT correspondent exhumed a document from an upstairs Baldwin trashcan. An excerpt reads:

 “Upon a closer examination of the college’s mission statement and student handbook we [the work-study committee] have resolved to make the kitchen and all other cooking-related work-study jobs exclusively staffed by women. This decision was influenced by a more thorough  reading of several documents integral to the college’s identity. The first of these, the epistles of Paul, echo this sentiment saying: “teach the young women…to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home” (Titus 2:4-5). Indeed, this Pauline teleology was extrapolated throughout the student handbook and frankly it is a disgrace that we have failed to realize this vision. Considering the words: “the kitchen [ought to be] closed to everyone except… female student[s]” and further “at Wyoming Catholic College… responsible… women… will remain… throughout their lives… in the… kitchen… with a supply of dishes… to do.” We have resolved to put the lionesses back in the menagerie… if you know what we mean. Regarding this document St. Paul seemed to stick his ring in the wax, so to speak, when one of the committee members opened his bible to this passage: “Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness.I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12-13).  Even the school’s cerebral grandfather, John Senior, commented that “what is at stake here is nothing less than the definition of the human race as a species whose ladies are makers of bread” (Idea of a School). Dropping the anvil on ‘someone’s’ foot he goes on to say that “feminists must fret” and this is precisely what we intend to realize.”

            Recognizing the difficulties the committee will face in implementing this noble and anthropologically-just cosmology, we at IIT fervently exhort all of Adam’s true sons to recognize that men need not knead longer. So, let’s give the fruit back to Eve.

Pax,

The Maleman