Current images of the battlefields encircling St. John’s Dormitory showing St. Athanasius tank convoys moving in

St. John’s Dormitory, Lander, WY, February 27, 2022 –  St. John’s Dormitory has agreed to peace talks with the attacking St. Athanasius Dormitory on Tuesday. St. John’s, a peace-loving dorm home to fourteen men, was attacked by St. Athanasius last Thursday, in a move the St. Athanasius leader Tom Curls described as a “demilitarization defensive measure” in light of claims that John’s was planning to join an anti-St. Athanasius alliance with other men’s dorms, but which other commentators have decried as “the largest full scale and unprovoked assault in dorm history.” Since Thursday, John’s has faced nightly raids, a tank and truck-driven encirclement by enemy forces, and airborne pelting by various rotten vegetables. Several freshman have reportedly sought asylum in St. Leo’s Dormitory, but some are concerned that fighting could soon spread there as well.

However, St. John’s has been putting on a strong defense, and St. Athanasius forces that seem aimed at subduing the prefect’s room and eliminating the dorm’s current government have been mostly stymied in their attack by civilian forces on the St. John’s porch. Some have made their way inside, but it appears that they have not managed to seize much territory as of yet and many of their fighter groups are experiencing shortages of certain vital supplies like cigarettes. Thus came today’s somewhat surprising offer by Curls offering a potential ceasefire and peace negotiations. Athanasius first offered their front porch as a potential locale, but St. John’s prefect Jonathan Malinoski decried it today as an “unsafe and hardly neutral spot, considering how most raids, as well as this current onslaught, have been conceived and launched from this very spot.

St. John’s offered the picnic table between St. Agnes and St. Theresa’s as an alternative location, and both sides have agreed to negotiate Tuesday even as heavy fighting continues on all sides of St. John’s. News commentators are concerned that further dorms could get involved in the fighting, as St. Athanasius reportedly is receiving weaponry from St. Theresa’s and St. John’s is accepting defense help from volunteer fighters from Sts. Priscilla and Aquilla and St. Isaac’s Dormitories.

Even as peace talks are planned, the situation continues to escalate, with mercenary fighters fighting for St. Athanasius having stormed the St. John’s refrigerator as of 5 pm local time today and reportedly closing in on their toilet paper supply lines. Further, at 6pm today, Tom Curls threatened that any resistance or interference by other dorms would be met “appropriately, with all options on the table, even including the nuclear option of stealing shower curtains.”