Washington, D.C. – During his 2022 State of the Union Address at the US Capitol tonight, Joe Biden announced a plan to help keep Iranians in Kiev, Ukraine from surrendering their “hearts” to Russian President Vladimir Putin, whose forces are currently attacking and encircling the Ukrainian capital. Iranians in Ukraine will be offered free heart replacement surgeries by trained U.S. Marines along with a consoling stuffed teddy bear and a chocolate bar if they feel any attraction to Putin. “Never fear, we’re here for you Iranians of Kiev,” Biden announced tonight, “You never have to worry about falling for Putin. We’ll evacuate your hearts from the country lickety-split and give you a replacement that’s guaranteed to be gluten-free, and safe from Putin. Like my grandaddy used to say, banana split Corn Pop. Now you watch out ole buddy Vlad, I’m gonna wrap my “

In response, Vladimir Putin announced a plan tonight to steal the American teddy bears and sell them for “millions” on the black market while using the chocolate bars to feed his invading armies.