Imagine this, but with even less chairs!

A recent highly accurate estimate of the amount of seating available for this year’s Senior Orations that begin tomorrow at Wyoming Catholic College (WCC) has revealed that there are around fifteen fewer than in prior years, a shortage that may prevent people from exercising their democratic right to attend any oration they want while having a chair.

Worse, it is feared that these chairs have not just been broken or otherwise lost in the cavernous unknown mists termed WCC storage units but that they have been stolen by, get this, Russian Foreign Intelligence agents aiming to stir up discord within WCC.

“This is a brazen attack on our democracy,” commented WCC’s Director of Student Life, Dr. Louis Pabello upon the shocking discovery first breaking the news. “Russia has tried before to interrupt the free and fair progression of speech-making at WCC. Up to now they have failed. But, somehow, they have managed to circumvent WCC’s topnotch security and hardened defense forces and seize fifteen chairs from the best-defended part of campus, the literal fortress of Augur, which was built on the site of a Fort, by the way.”

The loss of fifteen chairs will mean that students will have to choose between undignifiedly sitting on Augur’s crowded, hard floor or, worse, skip the orations they otherwise would have attended, missing out on the wisdom that it is their God-given, constitutional, and democratic right to access.

Student rights and justice advocacy groups at WCC fear that in the pending gloomy situation, access to orations will not be free and fair for the downtrodden and forgotten at WCC but will be biased to certain classes of people, those who come early, those who remembered to check the schedule ahead of time, and even, those who are better at pushing and shoving to get a speech. “Injustice,” commented one group. “Unless WCC somehow recovers these chairs immediately, everything about WCC’s orations this year will be unjust and inequitable, and we urge everyone to boycott the Orations until the WCC administration promises to make necessary changes to ensure equitable access for all.”

WCC’s Student Life Office has been collaborating with the United States’ Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.) to recover the stolen chairs since the agency first alerted WCC that the brazen theft was likely the work of Russian agents.

However, there is little hope of the chairs being recovered in time for Orations, as a U.S. Intelligence photo leaked to IIT showed them already being used at Russia’s Kremlin Palace.

The stolen chairs, brazenly being used by Russia at the Kremlin right now.