Byzantines are chad, bro. But did you know that it’s not just nurture, but actually their very biological nature which has changed over generations to adapt to the difficulties Byzantines face every day?
Here are the top 10 ways that Byzantines have evolved to be different from other Catholics:
1. Expanded Lung Capacity
According to a recent study by WCC graduate Dr. Patrick McCullough, Byzantine Catholics have an average lung capacity 27% higher than the Catholic (or heathen) average. McCullough speculates that this trait developed to help Byzantines through the long antiphons, troparions, kantakions, retrikions, severonions, retrikiretroparionions, and other long things they sing every day without having to waste time taking breaths.
2. Longer Hamstrings
Byzantine Catholics also have longer hamstrings than other Catholics. This allows them make 180° bows for hours-on-end without any recovery time required after a liturgy.
3. Curled Pinky and Ring Fingers (ready to make the Sign of the Cross at anytime)
This is more controversial, but several reliable sources in contact with IIT news report that Byzantines “seem to have a more curled resting state for their pinky and ring fingers than average.” This, if true, makes it easier for Byzantines to be always ready to make the Sign of the Cross without wasting any time moving their fingers around to prep for it.
4. Ability to Sleep While Standing and Singing
While this skill is not perfected in all Byzantines, most, according to IIT’s liturgical expert The Average Muslim Liturgist, “are capable of sleeping while standing and singing, a skill which allows them to direct even unfortunate biological necessity towards the Kingdom.”
“Byzantines,” he added, “who might seem a little wobbly and off-tune after a few hours of singing, are probably actually asleep, but that’s not disrespect, they’re simply so good at what they are doing, so full of the perfections of musicality and worship, that they can possess these virtues constantly in act, and not just habit, even while asleep. Take that Aristotle!”
5. Heightened Eyesight
According to the tests of various eye doctors around the world, Byzantines are also capable of reading even the fine print of complex liturgical texts even in seeming darkness. As long as there’s 1 candle within a hundred feet, they can read as if its daylight. WOW!
6. Increased Lung Filtration
Byzantines possess an additional organ appended to their lungs that serves as a literal air filter, allowing them to survive in smoke-filled environments toxic to any other human. IIT scientists speculate that this allows Byzantines to not only use more incense and more frequently in their liturgies than other Catholics but also to allow them to smoke anything and everything without any ill effects to their lungs. (Hence a certain hookah…)
7. Overdeveloped Pancreas
Byzantine pancreases are larger than those of other humans, allowing them to naturally need less food and to better access and store energy from the food they do consume, using it more efficiently.
8. No Germ Transmission Through Kissing
Finally, and most interestingly, Byzantines seem to be immune to germ transmission through kissing, allowing them to all kiss the same icons–and each other, in the kiss of peace–without any negative effects of germ transmission. IIT scientists are still unsure as to how precisely this works, but our best guess is that Byzantines have additional glands that secrete a sanitizing alcohol substance, allowing them to constantly sanitize themselves while communicating charity.