Vatican City – Pope Francis has long been controversial. Still, a canonization he announced today might be his most radical move yet as the 87 year old Pontiff proclaimed the Church’s first “pre-emptive canonization in its history” with 81-year-old former U.S. president Joe Biden set to be proclaimed a saint this easter, April 20th.
“Biden lived, and—some say—still lives, a life of heroic virtue,” said Pope Francis in today’s Angelus address in St. Peter Square. “Many say he had already died long before he took office, so the mere fact that he became president, and, in fact, apparently survived four years in the world’s toughest job proves that he walked, and yes, stumbled down stairs, for God. Biden was a great promoter of Cathol…, err, uhh, he promoted things and lived a life of prayer by the Sign of the Cross for the continuation of abortion that he made one time. Biden also called out evil whenever he saw it, like when he said ‘Corn Pop was a bad dude.’ An incredible saint!”
But what clinched the Vatican investigation of his cause for canonization of Joe Biden, said Cardinal Schuster, the prefect for the Congregation for the Causes of Saints was his body’s exhumation. “Remarkably,” said Schuster, “Biden’s body was not just incorrupt, but even showed signs of life and it even seemed like his body tried to get up and sniff me and I was sure that I even heard him mumble, “Mobilize trunalimunumaprzure.’ I don’t know what that it is, but it sounds like it was a prayer, that he, a man who lived such a life of prayer, could, even after death, continue perpetually in his incorrupt body.”
Archbishop Vigano, former apostolic nuncio to the United States, amongst many Catholic conservatives have decried the planned canonization, calling Biden, “An obvious agent of the antichrist” (Vigano) to “A pro-abortion pervert” (Taylor Marshall) to “An excommunicated, deceptive, egotistical, failure of a guy who ruined the United States and who’s cult of personality is, I guess, killing the Church” (Tim Gordon).
U.S. President Donald Trump called the canonization a “Disgrace” on X and Truth Social today. U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance also quoted a bunch of St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Alphonsus, and St. Frances deSales in a long series of posts on X that were too difficult for our writing team to understand. They seemed to be arguing, however, that it’s impossible to canonize a publically manifest unrepentant heretic, especially when it is not even certain whether or not Biden is dead.
Pope Francis also responded to critics in a press interview tonight in the Vatican saying, “Are those who critique this really living in the spirit? This is how we do things now. Biden really followed the Synodal way to ever perfecting synodality. And synodality is the highest virtue. I might even add the Synodal Mysteries to the Rosary as there are so many amazing examples of it that all we need to emulate. In fact, I might even try to get him made the Patron Saint of the Synodal Process. Biden showed us how to be a politician and be Catholic at the same time and do it easily, by skipping out on the Catholic part, and by doing so, shows us how easy it is for all of us to be a saint.”
Joe Biden himself released a statement in response to the news: “Where am I?”
World-renowned painter and crack enthusiast Hunter Biden, the son of the soon-to-be St. Joe Biden, will paint the official portrait and craft stained glass windows and prayer cards in honor of his father.
In other news, former CDC director Dr. Anthony Fauci may also be canonized for his work in showing us how to respect animals and also how to save the earth by using vaccines to halt population growth according to an IIT source embedded within the Papal Curia.