In a strange situation Tuesday, Marley K. Decker, a WCC Freshperson reported a terrifying encounter with the very essence of monster. Playing a peaceful game of ping-pong, she was winning she claimed, until her opponent turned on her.
“He was like aimin’ for the head” she cried in an almost delirious state, “and it was all physical. I was showing him up at ping-pong, and that was when it happened.” She claims to have been attacked for thrity minutes with the deadly weapon of a ping-pong paddle, and was unconscious for five minutes before being “immediately attacked again”.
Why did this happen? Apparently, her opponent did not like her “superior ability at the deeply philosophical game of ping-pong”. Plausible, it is, that someone would be angry over losing, especially considering how seriously table sports are taken here at WCC, but these claims, if true, suggest a deep escalation from the typically rowdy Frassati protocol.
Marley’s report continued. “And what’s worse is that he attacked me when I was showing him up. I was showing him not only superiority at ping-pong, but in a spiritual sense implied through the things of the events, I was showing him the way ‘up to the best’ to quote SO-crates. Being the philosophically minded person that I am, I negotiated a peace settlement amid a quick thirty-second cease-fire, but when we ‘shook hands to seal the deal, he almost broke my hand! Such an unphilosophic soul! Such a sophist!”
She walked away “scarred and with full arm bruises” and skipped classes the next morning as a result of this traumatic experience. While we don’t yet know whom the suspect for this incident is, WCC Security says they have “received a report of the incident and are investigating”. However, as multiple IIT sources have confirmed, they seem more focused in that the incident disrupted a foosball game occurring twenty feet away from this brawl than in Marley’s claims.
Apparently, as far as they are looking into the actions of Marley and her opponent, they are only considering it as a “Dating Experiment gone awry, that Marley and this unnamed personage were set up against their wills to be an ‘experimental couple’. The anger from being forced together drove one of the two to violence” says Security Chief Andrew Matthews
|Aretari Polinski, our staff scientist believes sleep and coffee |
might be “crucial factors in this incident”
We’re not sure if we buy that argument at IIT. Although we would not put it past WCC Student Life to be involved in similar practices to those dating experiments recently revealed at TAC, our firsthand knowledge of the situation suggests differently. IIT Chief Scientist Aretari Polinski says that “other chemical and environmental factors, such as coffee and sleep, or more specifically the absence of the second likely contributed to this distressing incident. To reach scientific certainty, knowledgy knowledge, we’ll need to do further research, however, to see if sleep and coffee are truly crucial factors in this incident”.
Here’s more about the recent reveal of the TAC Dating Conspiracy which Andrew mentions: