The dating culture at Wyoming Catholic College may seem complicated to the perspective dater. In fact, the dating culture at Wyoming Catholic College is complicated. For this reason, Everett Polinski has invited me onto the IIT team to aid confused college students discover their true identity. Because of my wide experience with all kinds of relationships, I feel confident that I can fulfill his expectations.

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The Author at the end of his last relationship

In order for any student at Wyoming Catholic College to become a true relationship master, he must first become familiar with important dating terms and definitions.

A Dater: A person who hangs out with another person exclusively and acts differently toward that person than toward anybody else. Particularly, daters are often found holding hands. However, just because a couple is holding hands doesn’t mean that they are dating. I once made the false assumption that a couple of Freshmen were dating because they were holding hands and immediately found myself attacked by a couple of otherwise apparently harmless Freshmen girls. I distinctly remember one of them trying to stuff a dark blue pinstripe ballcap down my throat.

Daters are often seen hanging out in the Holy Rosary Classroom building. My friends and I frequently go Dater Hunting there late on Saturday nights. There are few things more thrilling than rushing into a darkened classroom with a Prefect in tow and quickly turning on the lights with the hopes of catching a PDA – it can become awkward, however, if you happen to catch a prefect performing a PDA especially if that prefect happens to be Scrimp Cagy. Suddenly, your hair stands on end, and in the back of your mind you have the intuition that you will accidentally leave your hat on in class. In fact, you will probably never remember owning a hat of any kind until Scrimp points out to you that you still have your hat on your head in the middle of class. Even if you complain that the hat actually belongs to said prefect and that she put it there immediately previous, she will insist that the hat is yours. I have gained several excellent ball caps in this manner.

Daters usually come in Couples although occasionally a dater may be seen without a corresponding dated. This type of dater is known as Rejected. All non-daters should refrain from mentioning things like chocolate and roses in the immediate vicinity of a rejected. Rejected daters have been known to kick walls and throw chairs at people who mention chocolate and roses in their immediate vicinity, particularly if the person who happens to mention chocolate and roses is the person now dating the Rejector.

People who act like a dater toward large groups of people at once are known as Group daters. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between a Group dater and a Charismatic Prayer group. In fact, they are so similar that sometimes they are the same thing.

Pseudo-Daters: The most complicated relationship at Wyoming Catholic College to understand is the notorious pseudo-dater. Pseudo-daters are characterized by all the same signs as the dater except they are “not dating.” In other places, these types of people are known as Creepy. Only Creepy people (and Freshmen girls) hold hands with someone they’re not dating.

Religious Dating: A situation in which one or both of the daters claims to be discerning religious life but still holds hands. The term Religious Daters can also refer to someone who dates because of religious convictions.

Contra-Positive-Pseudo-Daters are people who think they are not dating but actually are not dating. My friend in the freshmen class, Odid Wiffy, has made it his hobby to be one of these. I asked him once if he was in a relationship with so-in-so. “Yes,” he said, “we hold hands, but we’re not dating.” To this day, I do not understand what he meant. I don’t think anyone else understood what he meant. I don’t think he understood what he meant. I call this kind of dater Confused. Once while I was looking for my prefect I inadvertently stumbled across Odid Whiffy in a dark classroom. “Hi, Odid,” I said, “how’s you’re girlfriend Erma.” I have never been able to understand why he responded by kicking the wall while making loud wheezing noises. I also have never been able to understand why Scrimp Cagy practiced choke holds with Odid Whiffy in a dark classroom building.

Incidentally a couple of days later, I somehow found myself wearing a hat between classrooms A and B in the presence of a prefect. I tried to explain to student life that the particular hat did not belong to me and that I had not put it on my own head. Nonetheless, the prefect insisted that I had not only owned the hat for several years but had worn it inside on numerous occasions. A fact that had somehow managed to elude me for several years. Needless to say, I escaped with a small fine.

If anyone is in need of a dark blue pinstripe ballcap, I have several in my collection for sale for the small price of $5.50. Please apply to Leo’s #8 for more information.

We hope this short guide has been helpful to you, and we plan to produce more educational material in the future to help you understand the dating culture at WCC even better and learn to participate in the dating culture to your full potential.

Ex Corde Tenebrae,

Jeremiah Davis Smith