“Michael Rose: Sweet as a flower, scary as a bee.” So claims an unnamed sophomore in fear for their risible faculties. “I could not bear the prospect of his continued presence beyond this fearful year. Perhaps his terror will fully consume us. But in my heart I hold the slightest flame of hope. Perhaps, by some incidental confluence of causes, the school will allow my foe to graduate.”

This sophomore started her new foundation today, known for now as simply: Graduation for Michael, after experiencing her forty-fifth scream of laughing fright within his presence since she started counting them the day she met him.

“Why can’t he just graduate already,” questioned a Freshman from Iowa. “He’s a Senior, right. Why couldn’t he have accelerated the pace somehow?” But another reason may be contributing to this sudden fear for Micheal’s graduation prospects as several Sophomores have actually begun to grow quite fond of apprehending the rosie-haired Senior.

An official request to the WCC Student Life Office by a group claiming to represent the leadership of the Sophomore class was just leaked the media and demands that “Michel Rose join the Sophomores of the Class of 2022.” The Student Life Office, as of office closing time Friday, has made no official response, but IIT commentator with official business reasons for being in and around the school offices says Student Life is “warming up to the idea quite quickly”.

“Michael Rose is an amazing human being,” offered one Sophomore whom we asked to comment on the situation as another simply deplored about how terrible their life would be “without Michael’s cheerful smile and uplifting demeanor. I don’t know how the school will get on without him,” he continued, wondering how anyone “could be so base as to want to force out our only relatable Senior, who for many, is the only one they even know. Any attacks on his character are merely the hallucinatory ramblings of ‘freshmen who don’t know anything’.”

Michael Rose, as one IIT reporter who managed to get a meeting with him, said, “plans to accept the promotion on the condition that he be able to take all his future classes in Frassati Hall and be able to sleep there at least five nights a week.” This may be the only sticking point for the Student Life Office approval of the Sophomore’s pro-Michael motion to “have him in there class” but we’re sure that this condition may help placate the anti-Michael Sophomores by ensuring that they, who this year are heavily centered on encampments in Baldwin, will be reduced in their exposure to him.

They’re still planning an anti-Michael Rose protest tomorrow, however, though attendance will likely be in the range of ½ to ⅔ of a person’s mental state.