Washington D.C. – The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued new Thanksgiving celebration guidelines today including a requirement that all turkeys be tested for the coronavirus before consumption. According to Dr. Know I.T. All, head of the agency’s coronavirus task force, in a statement today, “Due to Thanksgiving, turkeys are one of the most ‘at-risk’ populations this time of year already, and we’re very concerned about them being a coronavirus vector this time of the year, especially as new scientific evidence shows that stuffing, from the turkey’s perspective, is incredibly unsanitary. Thus we’re requiring everyone, before they cook their turkey, to ensure that they test it for the coronavirus before cooking it, and again before consuming it. Stop the spread.”

Since a high temperature is also a symptom of infection by the coronavirus, everyone is also advised to “eat their turkey raw.” However, if someone “must cook it”, they’re advised to have it wear a mask during the entire time its in the oven. “This is especially important if you have two turkeys in the oven at once,” Dr. All adds, “as they’re obviously going to be within six feet of each other.”

At this time, the CDC is not requiring pies to be tested for the coronavirus or to wear masks as “the science os not fully settled on the matter of baked good infections” but they do advise that everyone “quarantine all their food for two weeks before consumption.”