Lander, WY – The world can finally enter 2021 confident and safe as world-renowned health expert Ruth Kress and her team of researchers at Kress Biotechnologies received approval today from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for her coronavirus vaccine. Although there are multiple other vaccines in production and being administered right now from various other conglomerates, none are “as safe, as effective, or come in as good looking a package as Ruth’s”, vice president of Kress Biotechnologies Tom Kinst told reporters today.
Although this is the first vaccine that Ruth and her team of experts have created, Ruth’s been one of the most concerned people you can find out there with regard to the whole coronavirus situation and the risks it poses to the integral health of the body and the community as a whole. “This makes her partiucularly fitting to be a part of the cure,” Tom added. And what a cure it is! Entitled WonderDrug2020-4511A, Ruth’s vaccine will in fact be “over 100% effective with literally zero risks.”
“It’s so effective I’m not only going to take it as soon as I can, but I’m going to take it every day” Ruth Kress passionately said in today’s interview. “While all vaccines are undeniably safe and effective and come with positive side effects, the vaccine I’ve been working on all year is the solution to end all solutions with the best side effects of any vaccine out there. I’m one of the most concerned people out there about the risks of the coronavirus, but as I’ve told you many a time, vaccines are the solution. And this one will even retroactively cure the coronavirus from your system, even eliminating all that pesky residue of antibodies from your bloodstream.”
“Its naturally made of 100% artificial ingredients.”– Ruth Kress
While exactly what its made out of proprietary company secrets, Ruth says she’s proud to say that “its naturally made of 100% artificial ingredients.” Production has already begun in Ruth’s private facility with around 100,000 doses already ready to ship and millions more that can be ready within a month.
Since Ruth is a prefect at Wyoming Catholic College, she’s obviously going to let those in her dorm have access to it first, but she expects to have a dose available for everyone who wants it “within a few months” as several anonymous Lander, Wyoming businessmen who have invested in her project are putting up the money to build a new factory in Lander over the next few weeks that can produce millions of doses per day.
Ruth acknowledges that some people may be “unfairly prejudiced against the idea of vaccines in general,” but she asks them to “take a leap of faith and trust me on this one. Reading things about medicine will only make you more confused.” Privately she also hopes that the amazing efficacy of her vaccine encourages others to look into other vaccines with a more trusting eye.”
IIT has received rumors that Ruth Kress is expected to become the chairwoman of Big Pharma over the expected success of her vaccine although Wyoming Catholic College is also courting her to become their new school nurse. She also plans to launch research into producing vaccines to cure cancer, poor eyesight, colds, and “I guess even death itself,” she added. “Didn’t we read something about that in Humanities this semester?”