Lander, WY – You all know about Al Gore, author of the global warming book (and movie) The Inconvenient Truth that woke the world up to the deadly threat of global warming that is going to kill us all, ten years from, err … ago from now. You’ve also heard that this amazingly smart intellectual, politician, former vice president, and according to some, technically the current American president, is also a technical geek who created the internet all the way back in 1995. What wasn’t known to most people, however, is that this incredibly compassionate and considerate man who’s always only concerned with other people’s safety also was the one who caused global warming.
Irkutsk Ice Intelligence agents were the first to discover the hitherto unknown connection between the Nobel Prize-winning leader and the causes of climate change. Don’t worry, this great man hasn’t turned his skills against mankind, it was actually kind of accidental, just about as much as his creating the internet was.
As our agents tell us from their research, conducted while trying to solve the case of the missing Malaysia Airline Flight 370, it turns out that there’s a race of aliens out there in space with crazy advanced technology. Al Gore, who ran into them when one of their exploratory spacecraft accidentally sucked him his private jet somewhere over Siberia, learned all sorts of things about computers from the ensuing three-hour close encounter. However, what he also did, however, was indirectly scare away the aliens from their CO2 (carbon dioxide) operations which they had been conducting for millennia on earth. Apparently, the alien race, the Marsabiulashastakabaians, don’t like human people with slightly blonde hair who also like other human people. It turns out that they think such humans are a risk to their dominance of the intergalactic peach trade. Al Gore, unfortunately for himself, fit all these requirements. So the Marsabiulashastakabaians, as soon as they realized that they had the person they hated most, Al Gore, in their hands, thought it was their perfect chance to dominate the peach trade for the rest of eternity. So they attempted to kill him, tossing him out of their spacecraft to almost certain death.
However, Al had ingenuity. He used his clothes as a parachute and somehow managed to survive his fall, ending up in a small town in inner Mongolia where Al Gore learned about the budding field of computer science. He had a few inspirations from his experience in meeting the Marsabiulashastakabaians and within a week the now computer geek and genius had a system all planned to warn the earth about the dangers of the Marsabiulashastakabaians. This was the internet.
Al Gore completely focused on ensuring humanity’s safety, immediately used the system to warn humanity about the risks posed by the presence of the Marsabiulashastakabaians (who are warmongers and like bombing things by the way). Unfortunately, as later came to be the case, some people in the government listened to his online blog posts and the U.S. Space Force bombed the floating CO2 collection stations of the Marsabiulashastakabaians. However, even as this eliminated the immediate threat of the Marsabiulashastakabaians, it also caused them to stop taking away our CO2 emissions and thereby causing the terribly deadly greenhouse gas to start doing its dirty work of warming up the earth.
All this information is so classified that even Al Gore doesn’t even know all the details himself, but therefore, Al Gore, by creating the internet, and warning people about the risk of the Marsabiulashastakabaians in an attempt to save humanity, indirectly caused global warming. Too bad Al. Now you’ve had to devote your whole life to trying to save us from this problem that was inadvertently caused by your saving the planet … the first time. The only man alive who’s had to work to save the planet twice. Man, what pressure. I sure hope he succeeds.