Ciudad Juarez, Mexico – With Robert F. Kennedy Jr. set to become the next director of the Department of Health and Human Services in the upcoming Trump administration, drug cartels across Mexico and Central America are planning a switch to a new more profitable business than the regular drugs they specialize in producing and smuggling.
According to Javier “El Tiburón” Mendoza, an deputy-CEO for the Sinaloa Cartel, they plan to switch over to producing, smuggling, and distributing seed oils, fluoride, and food dyes within the United States once RFK Jr. bans them. “These items are going to be in high demand once they get banned within the U.S.,” Mendoza commented at a district business meeting for the cartel, “And we at Sinaloa are best placed to meet this demand. We will supply seed oils, fluoride, and dyes to every American leftist who will be clamoring to gulp down seed oil to fry their own fries, fluoridate their own drinking water, and add artificial dyes to all their food.”
“Leftists can rest easy from their terrifying fear that they will be out these important goods with easy Sinaloa shops planned on every corner in major American cities. Sinaloa trucks and tunnellers will securely transport oil, fluoride, and dyes from our manufacturing districts on regular, full-bribe-of-all-officials-guaranteed routes ensuring that every American liberal has a chance to poison their health with the new drugs of today. Trust us at Sinaloa, Fry High with Our Supply – The Cartel That Keeps You Sizzling.”
Rival cartels, meanwhile, are quickly planning assaults on the facilities where Sinaloa will produce the new seed oils, fluoride, and dyes as well as planning ways to seize the products en-route, hoping to gain a slice of a new business that could fetch as much as $42 billion a year in revenue should Kennedy’s expected full ban on these products go into effect.
Nancy Pelosi has as of just now invested $40 million into the Sinaloa Cartel, even as Trump posted threats on X and Truth Social to attack these same cartels with “Fire, Fury, and Beef Tallow” should they follow through on this threat to flood the American market with these new “dangerous goods.”
Unfortunately for Mexican cartels, however, the state legislature of California is planning a vote to make their state a “sanctuary state” for the manufacture and distribution of seed oils, meaning they will have major competition from the extremely well-run and prosperous business-friendly state.