Miami, FL – A surprise new candidate has entered the Democrat primaries, just in time be part of the first debate tonight. Walking on stage as the debates began he simply said: “Just call me Steve” and pushed his way into a chair already occupied by an extremely flustered Elizabeth Warren.
To the surprise of the moderators, the crowd was ecstatic, especially as he began to laugh and lightning crackled over the audience. Cheering for a man long thought dead, the crowd broke out into “Steve, Steve, Steve” This isn’t his real name of course, as most present had known him as “Sheev” or some other diversity expressing denomination, but if the bold one wanted to identify as “Steve”… who are they to judge?
Sheev, Steve, he had last been seen falling into an apparently bottomless pit years earlier, but having apparently somehow survived, wants back in. And having so suddenly entered the race, his strategy seems to be working already with every other candidate at the debate nearly simultaneously endorsing him. Quite a coincidence it seems, but with the popularity he mustered in just a few minutes after coming seemingly back from the dead, it might have been inevitable.
“I’m not Soros,” he said in an exclusive interview with CNN, “I’m better, and I’m back. Vote Steve for President today and lets not even bother with that election.”
A platform of increased military spending, law enforcement, and a hard stance on drug dealers (including one recently said to have gone into train robbery – a German by the name of Han) could see Steve get some support from Republicans, though socially his master-planned economy, mass “population readjustment”, and “public mental state modification” fit in far better with Democrat agendas as with one young former Bernie Sanders supporter who sees Steve as an even more “charismatic and heavy-metal version of Bernie.”
If confirmed as the Democrat nominee, Steve will go on to face President Donald Trump in November of 2020.
Tweeting about the situation Trump has already given Steve the nickname of “Mean Old Palps”.
At press time, Elizabeth Warren plans to sue Sheev Palpatine (his real name) for a racially charged incident in his pushing her out of her chair. However, she has to recover first, as Doctors say she somehow absorbed the equivalent of nineteen lightning bolts in the fiasco.