Lander, WY – Acclaimed, surprisingly to those who don’t know her, but with the epithet “mom” by most of those who know her well Ruth is one of the most well-known members of the rocker Class of 2022. Ruth and her presence at Wyoming Catholic College have been the subject of two articles already here on IrkutskIceTruckers.com but she and now her family more generally (and with family taken in a different sense than our last article on her “family”) are now back in the spotlight.
An undercover IIT source within the WCC Admissions office just notified us that “nearly half of the freshmen of the Class of 2023 are actually siblings and cousins of Ruth”. Some had already been thinking this as one of the freshmen looks “as in the image and likeness of Ruth” to even the casual observer, but as our source continues, she is “only the most obvious of the twenty-five or so estimated to be directly related” to the Class of 2022’s favorite Ruth Kress. Neither Ruth nor any of her suspected relatives have admitted as yet to their relationship, but “statistical analysis and induction,” as staff IIT engineer Aretari Polinski comments, “supersede any communication or lack of communication on a subject as absolute knowledgy knowledge.”
Most of these “bunch of little Ruthies”, as Estrella called them when they all visited at once last year, are in disguise and all are under assumed names, but it’s pretty easy to figure out who they are as our source directed us along simple guidelines of determination.
For one, most of them associate with the members of Ruth’s newfound “WCC-Family” like Thomas the “Sponz”, Matt the “Kubes”, and Thomas Urgonomics, just as it would be expected for siblings to be drawn into similar social groupings.
This only accounts for Megyn (secretly Ruth’s cousin Anne) and Patrick (secretly Ruth’s younger brother Stephen), however, but we find further evidence of “Ruthie’s” in those who associate with her more generally. Bernadette Heithoff of Kansas, for one, originally supposed to be in the Class of 2022, is instead a freshman this year, and has already been spotted near Ruth eleven times by our operatives, enough to raise a friendship, and especially one such as you would expect between siblings, to a level above any margin of error we’ve ever seen in our statistical work. Of particular note, the fact that Megyn (Anne) is Ruth’s cousin may preclude her from dating Sponny, who claims Ruth as his mother as marriage would be illicit due to their relationship as second cousins.
But omnipresence together with Ruth’s particular personage lends us insight into more of the class’s close relationship with Ruth. In this category are the twins Nathaniel and Thomas Milligan as well as Charles Newton and Jacinta Rioux as all of them reportedly spend between 5% and 15% of their day with Ruth. If they were in her class, this would be a typical or low ratio, but that they are freshmen associating to such an extent with a Sophomore necessarily leads to a correlation between them and thereafter the assumed causation of relationship.
Curtis Shine, a freshman supposedly from Massachusetts, is also easily identified by his accent, one obviously participating far more highly in the New York dialect local to Ruth’s lands than Massachusetts’. But beyond this recognization of a failure to disguise speech comes the biggest failure of them all in being disguised the worst. This easiest “little-Ruthie” to spot, this is Erin, whom it is almost impossible not to recognize as Ruth’s sister Eleanor whom she is. Even those who don’t observe everyone as closely as our research staff have been pointing out this fact to her from the moment she arrived. As with all the others, she denies any relationship with Ruth, but simple appearance, dress, behavior, and accent show a lack of any skill at secrecy or disguise. Her dress, for example, is rated at a 97% match for Ruth and Google Photos’ face sorting software identifies with her archived photos of Ruth’s sister Erin. Even her pseudonym, “Erin”, is laughingly close to Eleanor, and her association with Ruth in the characteristics of spent time is also off the charts
Other characteristics such as being in Ruth’s dorm, eating food that she made or for some few, wearing her clothes are primary differentiating qualities for the remaining Ruthie relatives. Due to the complexity of each case, however, our source only gave an estimate without exact one-to-one denomination for the rest. Twenty-four to twenty-six relatives of Ruth was the exact estimate range our expert source gave us giving again a 46% Ruthie relative rate at the estimated midpoint
Though this multiplicity of “little Ruthies” amongst us is surprising and the rate extremely unpredicted and high, we had a small premonition that this might happen in the visit of some of her relatives and friends with last year’s “Posse”.
Attending a class with Dr. Grove last April during their visit. the philosophy professor seemed interested in granting a full scholarship to one, Jordan after a potentiality for interest in attending was clandestinely expressed by some of her posse.
As we wrote back then:
Theories have been purported over the last twenty-four hours that one student may be interested in the possibility of one day thinking about being interested in the school at least in potentiality for the sake of the slightest possibility of questioning it, but other students have come out on the condition of anonymity as to Dr. Grove wanting to give a full scholarship to Jordan, something, that “could maybe overcome” the fact that they are Protestant in their own decision making with regards to coming here as a student.
“”Ruth’s Posse Swoops into Lander: Who Are They Really?”
This, “being interested in the school at least in potentiality for the sake of the slightest possibility of questioning it” offers by our central principle of correlation equaling causation and absolute certitude, proof that at least one would come to our community of learning, but having rather half the class come due to connection with Ruth has surprised even her close friends, the “Friends of Ruth” (some claiming to be relatives like Sponny of which we presume the possibility that he was adopted…) who participate in the “Ruthism” or the “Spirit of Ruth” to speak in terms of current Sophomore experience and study.
Sponny, the primary denomination preferred for casual use upon Thomas Sponseller of Colorado says he “talks to his mother (Ruth) on a daily basis and they’re the same age” but didn’t hear anything about “her relatives coming to WCC. “Pies helpt their relationship a lot, but even over a particularly decadent cherry example last Sunday, she didn’t share anything related at all to this fact now being revealed. “It is a little weird,” he quietly admitted when we told him of this report. “If they’re Ruth’s relatives, they’d be my relatives too. And it would be kind of bad if Megyn turned out to be my second cousin or something.”
Neither do Anne, Emily, or Bernadette know anything from their friendship with Ruth to pertain to this situation so we must assume possible “family issues” or something even more mysterious to explain Ruth’s lack of divulgence of information to even her inner circle of family, friends, and associates.
Perhaps due to the chance that many of her relatives, like her, would be Protestant, they fear for themselves in such an overwhelmingly Catholic community. The WCC community handled the temporary visitation of various of her Protestant friends last semester relatively well, but the permanent (as students) presence of what could be as many as twenty-five Protestants might be a bit too much for the Student Rockers to handle.
WCC staff are open to such a presence as Dr. Grove said last semester: “We like Protestants. Ruth is Protestant. Even non-Catholics have brains.” However, no one knows what the reaction of the student body would be to actually seeing a high concentration of Protestantism amongst them. For this, we postulate as most likely then that Ruth’s relatives are holding out for safety as long as they can while present, “playing Catholic” and not, of course receiving Holy Communion. Why they are here, however, even if we can understand who they are and why they and Ruth are quiet about their presence, is still a matter for deep philosophical inquiry.
As we continue to investigate, we’ll continue to update you on this majorly impacting story to “the community as a whole”.