Lander, WY – The proposed Milligan New Deal we first broke the news of last summer appears to be moving closer to passage at Wyoming Catholic College (WCC). Public support for the program of services to Milligans to ensure their survival and thrival at WCC is at 73% in a recent IIT poll as the WCC board draws up a plan of implementation that will be voted on “sometime in the spring” according to Mick Rex, a WCC graduate with close ties to several school officials. Originally proposed and popularized over the summer by junior Sophia Donaldson who was concerned over seeming declines in the Milligan population at the same time as the school seemed close to running out of Milligans, the #saveMilligan campaign instantly became an issue of the whole community with only implementation issues delaying passage. “Its survival for WCC,” said one anonymous senior, “Anything to protect a Milligan is a service to the community as a whole. Where would we be without them?”
Details of the current proposal under discussion may vary from the final approved plan, but the Milligan New Deal includes nearly all of Sophia’s original suggestions. Rather than buying the hotel and moving all the dorms into it, the school will buy it – just for the Milligans as a sort of “break building” with “rooms full of fig newtons and sour patch kids and a TV playing only The Mummy”. Bouncers will be installed in each dorm and each Milligan will get a private bodyguard against any possible threats as well as a five-minute curfew extension should any “late-night issues” arise according to an IIT source within WCC administration. A Milligan Scholarship, amount to be determined, will be given to every Milligan who attends WCC, just for being a Milligan and a Milligan Monitoring Analyst will be hired to adjust school strategies to maximize Milligan’s interest in attending WCC and ensuring that they thrive as students will be hired. Two proposals, however, are missing that Sophia originally promoted. Her proposal of the school offering a private jet shuttle from New Hampshire for Milligans was dropped due to cost and safety concerns while the granting of “two and a half extra pieces of extra pepperoni” to each Milligan on COR was deemed potentially disruptive to the Milligan spirit and unfair by COR staff, who seem to have vetoed also any special protection for Milligans on the COR expedition as well.
Some students did raise concerns over how WCC was going to pay for all this, but a chief Milligan proponent had a simple answer when IIT raised this question: “Don’t worry about it!” Its at least an answer to the question, we admit, better than the Green New Deal, where no one has even tried to ask, let alone answer the big buck question. The Milligan proponent we interviewed, who wished to remain anonymous, was very adamant that we mention that the “Milligans are the pinnacle of creation” and that they are “Great people, man” with “gorgeous eyebrows, but a bit hard to tell apart” making him suggest that the Milligan New Deal should also offer “massive nametags, embedded barcodes, or something” to aid everyone else a little bit in showing proper respect to Milligans.
While it was not part of the proposals of Sophia or any of the other major backers, the suggestion also of Milligans being allowed to have longboards everywhere was added to the draft plan in October but appears to have received some nuances since in the form of their use being banned indoors by various school agencies and Dr. Grove. However since longboards are the “best enhancement to WCC culture” that Milligans have brought since the “fancy car craze of Kevin”, their use will be encouraged officially amongst all students as a way of recognizing “Milligan achievement” school Director of Advancement Funcle McArdy told IIT this morning. A “Longboard Superflex” department will be created to assist students in the upkeep of their longboards and “storage facilities for them will be built in the near-future in all school buildings”.
“The problem is everyone else,” Sophia told reporters today in a statement urging the WCC board to advance passage of the plan. “It’s urgent and I demand action now, as in right now!”