Lander, WY: While two of the Milligan species are reported to still be residing in Lander, and two others attend WCC, the WCC community is increasingly concerned about the long term survival of this species at the college.
“There are only five more possible Milligans who could come here after Ryan in the world,” warns Sophia Donaldson, a Junior who heads the WCC Nature Club. “Unless we act fast, this could be the last generation that gets to actually see a real live Milligan in their natural habitat.”
She and her organization have been studying this issue for several years, tracking and monitoring each member of this “quickly dwindling” species, but only just now has the situation become critical enough for people outside of her conservation organization to take notice.
“Unless we act now and do all possible to sustain, protect, and rebuild the natural habitats of the Milligans here at WCC, their very presence, and the school as we know it is all at risk. It’s a life or death situation.”Sophia Donaldson
The Milligans aren’t literally dying out, of course, but their days as students at WCC are numbered unless their population begins expanding. Already, WCC statistical reports show a 43% year on year decrease in their numbers here at WCC and this trend is accelerating.
While the WCC Student Life office says the problem is out of their control, Donaldson argues they’re simply caving to pressure from special interests. “They’re not being bold enough anymore,” she argues. “We need a Milligan New Deal to save this species – and if we don’t have one, the world is going to end metasophistically in twelve years.”
Outlined in her plan are proposals for free tuition, automatic admittance, and 24/7 health monitoring of every Milligan “to preserve the integrity and survival rate of their species here in this habitat” while “free dating counseling and marriage preparation will bring the time when a new generation of Milligans could arrive closer and increase the “waning chance that it will actually happen”
Here, we at IIT are slightly surprised by Sophia’s tone, with its apparent message that the Milligans are an endangered species in the traditional life or death sense. “Perhaps Sophia doesn’t fully understand the situation,” suggests Jane Cunningham, an Oregon sophomore, agreeing with our take on the situation. “But,” she continued, “I agree that irreparable damage might be done to the school if one day a ‘last of the Milligans’ graduates from here.”
“At current critical levels and their quickly declining trend, we’ll see the last current generation Milligan graduate in 2028 and we won’t see even a reduced population return until around 2037 (a prospective second generation of Milligans coming to attend WCC). However, if we don’t act now, that date may be indefinitely on hold” she warns further. “What if this supposed new generation doesn’t want to return because there simply isn’t anyone else of their family left…?
Irkutsk Ice Trucker’s chief scientific consultant, Dr. Zepeda, performed an analysis of the “luck” or “chance” of these differing outcomes for the Milligan population at WCC and sees less danger of the “no return at all” scenario than Sophia seems to imply, but his calculations do show a further delay in the return of the Milligans until 2039 due to a lack of data on who potential second-generation members of the species are.
While we again think the danger of the Milligan species being completely absent from WCC at any time is overblown, proper watch of the situation “would be me meritous” argues IIT dating consultant David Gleason, an incoming WCC Freshman. “Sophia’s comments might be overblowing the danger, but the danger still of not having the Milligans, our answer to TAC’s Grimm family, around to show off, is highly hazardous to our reputation.”
In an appearance on Lander News Radio this week, Sophia Donaldson offered a few things the public can do to minimize the danger of this “impending catastrophe. As quoted she said,
“Just think casually before you do anything. Will this help the Milligan count grow and thrive or hurt it? Will my dating choices threaten options for this species? Will my choice of eating chicken or beef have a cascade effect that leads to either a thriving, healthy population of Milligans here, or will it lead to utter destruction. Remember #saveMilligans and let’s make this an easy choice for everyone!”Sophia Donaldson on Lander News Radio this week
Her “Milligan New Deal” goes before the WCC board of directors in July for a vote and Sophia plans her #saveMilligans campaign to raise further awareness of the situation until then even as she calls as above for everyone to do their part individually to save the Milligans and save the school.
Jane Cunningham, Bernadette Heithoff, and David Gleason contributed to this article