Lander, WY – Market experts are predicting an absolutely massive surge in engagements at Wyoming Catholic College this coming semester as several trends moving in the direction of love converge with the catalyzing effect of the annual Speed Dating event. Love, dating, engagement, and marriage are pretty much the primary reasons that most students go to according to a recent study conducted by Dr. Olsson (as he spends his sabbatical studying the dating culture at WCC). However, prospective daters, unfortunately, give up or postpone seeking a spouse for most of their time at the school due to “an overcomplicated and overwhelming dating system” at the school as one senior put it. Prospective couples have to worry about where they sit in mass, in the classroom, whether they can both work in the OLP, whether going together in three outdoor trips in a row will look bad, and whether they need to pick their roommate based on who their girlfriend/boyfriend is.

Speed Dating works to counteract this confusion by providing a safe, simple, and freshmen-friendly environment where couples can focus on learning favorite colors, life goals, hopes, and dreams, credit card numbers, and the number of times they’ve each been out after curfew. “It transformed the way I looked at the opposite sex,” reported one Canadian junior. “Before I went to speed dating, I was single. After I went to speed dating, my roommate wasn’t single, and I still was. But at least I knew that not all men were barbarous jugglers from St. Athanasius. Some of them… seemed to like me.”

Although this junior had a particularly emotional experience from speed dating, most attendees are advised to approach the night n a far more analytic mode. According to Dr. Stanley Bolsson, a professor of mathematics at Wyoming Catholic College who runs the program every year “participants are advised to bring along a computer, Excel spreadsheet, and a calculator, as dating is really all about proportions, chords, and geometrical constructions.” Bolsson checks every potential relationship personally at the event according to around 100 different parameters to “analyze their likelihood of success” and, he adds, “for just about every attendee at speed dating, there’s around a 99% chance of their finding the true love at the event, which equates to moral certitude meaning in effect that you are morally required to date the person you will find at the event.”

Bi-unique correspondence of single men and single women is required to ensure this amazing statistic holds true for every attendee, something that this year means that there are going to be a lot of marriages in Lander Wyoming, in just a few short months. While this is obviously positive for the profitability of the chaplaincy department at Wyoming Catholic College the school’s Risk Management Committee is concerned that there might be a risk to the student body from too many couples eloping after the event.

“We’re still checking on the risk,” says the school’s executive vice president, Saul H. Ciwoknot, “but we think we can encourage most couples to stay at WCC and finish off their time even after they marry. Maybe we’ll give married couples their own dorm, Saint Priscilla and Saint Aquilla,” he mused.

With seniors rushing to get married before they graduate, an extremely loving freshman class, and a new marriage prep class having been added to the curriculum this semester, love, love it or hate it, is going to happen at WCC this semester.

It is expected that WCC will soon issue a mandate that all freshmen attend the event.

Anyone with any questions as to how the event will be run should contact Jacob Zepp.

Speed Dating can work for you too. Want to get married this year? Don’t settle for expensive and antiquated dating services. Come to speed dating next week and get married by fall, guaranteed!