Lander, WY – In the wake of Wyoming Catholic College students first learning of the Corona virus this week due to a campaign speech by 2036 presidential candidate and college junior Anthony Jones, the school recently set policies for dealing with the threat according to an IIT source within the school’s risk management and policy committee.

Praised as imaginative by the PondScum, the first news outlet to comment on them, here’s a summary of the school’s policies for dealing with the spread of Corona around the world:

  • Those infected with the COVID-19 virus will be quarantined in St. Athanasius
  • Anyone who dies will have a 50% Ordinary Form/50% Tridentine “Combo” funeral, to be directed by Jacob Zepp
  • Students with a suspected infection are still required to attend classes but must report their possession to a prefect as soon as possible
  • Ruth Kress is directing the school’s response with assistance from Mari Heithoff
  • Members of the risk management committee have met and will continue to meet regularly to monitor the situation from the school’s top-secret control center
  • Physical Plant custodians are refraining from using disinfectant and cleaning rather with spittle and wastewater to ensure that other bacteria/viruses grow faster than COVID-19
  • Dining services are ensuring there are sufficient food and alcohol supplies on campus.
  • We advise students to share clothes, make-up, water bottles, Nalgenes, etc., remembering that even in this moment of potential crisis, “we are a socialist society”
  • Students are advised to hype up the situation in order to increase donor interest in supporting the school during this time
  • Anyone travelling overseas to countries where the Coronavirus is prevalent should report their plans to student life and take the trip anyway
  • All students taking ELP will have an extra assignment with details to follow outlining their experience of this absolutely massive experience
  • All hand sanitizer will be removed from campus as it is known to the state of California to spread germs
  • Cases contracted on Outdoor Week will be treated in field by Fairygod-WFRs
  • PDA rules will be upped for the rest of the semester with elbow-bumps the only permissible sign of affection in public
  • Canadian students are exempt from all of these prescriptions

No outbreak is expected and there are known cases of COVID-19 in the US at this time, but the school’s preparedness far outshines that of rivals like Thomas Aquinas College who are still using outdated science and techniques in their response. “Bring it on!” says senior Madison Anderson, “I doubt anyone would even notice if we had an outbreak here. It would be interesting for the Juniors to study for their statistics course, but beyond that . . . boring.”

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