After last week’s Sophomore Retreat, several board certified doctors have declared the Class of 2022 to be depression free. Although rumors and popular opinion, even among the sophomores themselves, have for the last year suggested that they have been battling severe apathy, depression, and other bad things in the worst “sophomore slump” ever, the doctors from the Irkutsk Medical Center say these claims are “nothing but fake news, likely spread by Thomas Aquinas College or NOLSey agents to get more sophomores to leave.
Rather, the sophomores are not only the hardest-studying, hardest-working class yet, but they are also the happiest, funniest, most interesting and awkward, and Ubbi-Dubbi speaking class yet to attend WCC. Some have complained about a high rate of students leaving the class, but actual data shows that the rate of people leaving the school from the Class of 2022 and not having come back is actually 35% lower than the school’s average drop-out rate.
Medical tests were performed on every sophomore by the Irkutsk Medical staff to determine a depression rate, with a result of -0.45672… (the real part of this number is irrational and transcendent) + (-5i), leaving depression rate negative and just as imaginary as Canada for the class. For an average happy college student nowadays, the top benchmark is typically a rate close to 0. Sophomores themselves predicted an absolutely massive, non-denumerable infinity for their average depression rating, so this data comes as a great boon to them.
Sophomores aren’t sure what to do if they’re not actually depressed. Some almost want to depressed so they can get into the so-called “party-spirit of depression” but most of them are just taking it stoically and moving on to study for the Math and Rhetoric midterms, writing the Humanities paper, reading the Divine Comedy, catching up on multiple Latin pensa domestica, finishing Math homework, writing their next speech, or finishing trip paperwork. However, one junior is offering them something: “Never fear, you’ll have time to experience many more emotions.”