Lander, WY – Social scientist, Wyoming Catholic College (WCC) Student Life Office administrator and Student Counselor Kathleen Milligan warned reporters today of a “major dating market crash” at Wyoming Catholic College. “While the current panic has panicked most only along other lines,” she continued, “The effect of the coronavirus outbreak on dating at WCC is potentially just as serious as any of our other concerns.”
For with two months so far of this disbursement and with the planned summer break coming up, couples at WCC could be apart for five months, which statistics show has a “next to nil chance of working out” according to IIT research.
Dating at Wyoming Catholic College could be down 80% next semester as even once everyone has returned they will, as Kathleen warns, “have gone without dating so long that they will have forgotten how to do it properly” and will “simply give up on it”.
While seemingly not as bad as the problems faced in other business sectors, such a dramatic drop in dating will have follow-on negative effects on Crux Coffee sales, school receipts from laying on PDA fines and, indirectly, future admissions at WCC. It will even hurt the broader Lander community Kathleen’s and our own research show, with likely declines in sales at Dominos Pizza , and snack items at the Family Dollar, for example/
To avoid these catastrophic outcomes, and even worse outcomes Kathleen says “could yet happen” if dating drops as predicted or worse, she proposes “temporary subsididies for dating” to encourage people to start up again. Fraud is a concern as such a sort of payments would effectively constitutue “free scholarships” in her plan, but Kathleen offers that prefects could keep tabs on all students and evaluate relationships under the program to ensure they are not contra-positive anti-pseudo dating or anything of that kind.
Her proposal is set to be voted on by the Student Life council this coming Thursday.