Lander, WY – Canadian Nationalist activists at Wyoming Catholic College have begun a full force “clandestine and in plane sight campaign” according to WCC Security officials to force all non-Canadian students out from the school and “eventually make the school exclusively Canadian”.
Ellen Wit, a WCC junior claiming to be from Saskatchewan, Canada doesn’t deny that they want WCC to be only for Canadians, but does deny that they will take any steps beyond getting every absolutely massive Canadian family they can find to send their kids there.
But “their eyes are everywhere,” warns Ang, the current head of WCC Security. “And they’re planning, they’re planning, err something,” he adds. “Watch out, since they already head baking for the school, much of our promotions, and are going to be doubling in strength and numbers this year.”
Neither Ang nor anyone else at WCC Security has offered evidence for what he calls a “plot worthy of a TV show” about what the Canadians are up to, but rumors abound already in the WCC community about exactly what is suspected. According to one of our sources, a Canadian intelligence asset working in the school admissions office is planning a gene test to be administered to all students and discriminate against all those who don’t have the “all-powerful maple syrup genes”, those, that is, who are not “members of the motherland the great Canada” as two of WCC’s Canadians are fond of calling their country.
Furthermore, another source says to expect a false-flag incident of curfew violation putting Texas nationalists, who double as great American patriots, under suspicion. “The Canadians are somehow going to make a Texan late for curfew as a way of making themselves look better, somehow….” our source tells us.
While local police are looking into the situation, matters are complicated by the fact that Canada has been proven not to exist, meaning that the people claiming to be from this fairy tale land are “nationalists from a country that doesn’t exist, such a contradiction as to negate any danger” according to IIT’s go-to Philosophy commentator Omnisciens. However, although Thomas Aquinas and Dr. Bolin have proven that Canada does not exist and this fact is accepted by nearly everyone in the Lander community, several students have come on record as saying “that they have been to Canada and it exists”. However, these students are dating people who identify as Canadian, so we are less than certain about the veracity of their claims.
Therefore, since Canada doesn’t exist, IIT’s War Preparedness correspondent Jack Swindell tells citizens not to panic since “people can’t be passionate for a myth”, agreeing with the aforementioned take on the situation from Omnisciens.
WCC Security is still prepping for a possible situation nonetheless and investigating further potential subversive behaviors among Canadians as well.