Lander, WY – According to a leaded transcript from the last meeting of the WCC Board of Directors, Wyoming Catholic College is planning to become infinitely large as a way of solving or “blowing out the window” every possible issue the school is facing. For example, as an extremely large, but still finite freshman class is leading to problems in finding enough space for everyone to live, having an infinite amount of space means the school could take in an infinite amount of students and have space for them all.
Further, “It helps our financials incredibly too” the school Chief Financial Officer noted in the meeting according to our administration source. The school could cut tuition 90% and still make more money than before, and even make a profit if they simply became infinitely large.
While becoming infinitely large might seem to make the school no longer a small school, Dr. Olsson pointed out that there are different sizes of infinities, “the denumerable, the non-denumerable, and maybe more, I dunno.” The school doesn’t have to be a really big or absolutely massive infinity, it “just has to become a nice lil baby infinity. And that’s still enough to give us all the benefits of being infinitely large while still retaining our close-knit specially unique community” Olsson added.
“Infinite is the new ‘absolutely massive’ and we need to talk it up that way,” offered Mary Rensilret, assistant director of Student Life as plans were discussed for how to sell the idea to students. “Maybe we can even buy the hotel,” Mr. Tonkowich, executive vice president of WCC, suddenly realized during the middle of the meeting. “Offer them a billion dollars for it and we could still pay for it with a cost of less than a penny per student.”
This realization brought incredible cheers from all present, and even better ideas. “Hey we could buy up all of Lander” said one. “Take over NOLS!” cheered another. “Buy out TAC” a third suggested.
Things looked a little less shining when it became apparent that they would also have to spend an infinite amount of money and buy an infinite amount of buildings up in order to accomplish becoming infinite large.
But Dr. Olsson clarified, as with Dr. Bolsson, also present at the meeting, that infinity is a primitive notion that could just be replaced in the model that is mathematics in a formalistic conception. “This eliminates the problem entirely. Since finances are a part of mathematics and mathematics has only a partial relationship to the quantitative accidents of bodies there are plenty of ways to get around these seeming troubles by simply replacing primitive notions and choosing new axioms.”
The plan was thus unanimously approved, and will be implemented over the next year with direction from Dr. Olsson, the only one at the school who can actually comprehend the quantities involved. Space for an infinite number of dorms is still being figured out and the school having to increase advertising in the hopes of attracting an infinite number of students, but “it’ll otherwise work out great” a school spokesman, commenting to IIT reported. “Efficiencies are amazing,” he added. “Using Frassati to feed an infinite number of people, having Mrs. Pendleton handle an infinite amount of paperwork, and still keeping everyone’s mail together will only make this school better for everyone.”
In order to have an infinite amount of students and faculty however, and in order to find space for them, the school has been forced to resort to imaginary and irrational students, faculty, and dorms. “But this only proves our inclusivity as we expand the number field” Olsson adds. “Finally being able to make numbers, all numbers come alive in reality is the culmination of my career.