Lander, WY – About  two weeks ago IIT news discovered evidence that junior William Albers, along with Olivia DeLaveaga were the happiest students on campus at Wyoming Catholic College. As math tutors habitually leading others to contemplation of unchanging truths they would seem to have the fullest sense of wisdom among students and thus, by Aristotle’s Ethics be thus the happiest students. However, that assessment seems to be changing this week, in one of the wildest ways possible. William Albers is actually not human but is an advanced robot.

This breaking report came from one of his roommates, who has reported “never seeing Will eat, sleep, or really spend any time at all on homework.” He “just does it, and is somehow over with it and with full understanding and playing board games and video games after ten minutes.”

Such abilities are definitely not human and while we don’t want to assume them without proof,, further evidence IT agents have managed to corroborate seem to also point to Will being something not human. “He always moves so precisely, exactly like a robot come to think of it,” says junior Bernadette Heithoff, who’s been in his class section three out of the past five semesters. “Also when he draws on the board, he always brings his own markers and makes perfect figures on the first try.”

An anonymous source within WCC administration also reveals that his GPA is exactly 4.00, technically the highest in the school, although he is not to any of our knowledge the class valedictorian, something that makes our source “suspicious that the school is in on it,  knows he’s a hyper advanced robot and are just trying to see how well he can blend in to the school community.”

William also prefers to be called “Augustus” or “Omnisciens”, names correspondent with high intelligence as is his profile picture, that of an owl. “He could just be a superhuman,” a sophomore who’s been watching him for a year and a half reports, but “with those sorts of names, I say unlikely.”

William hangs out with fellow board game players almost all the time and usually wins at every game he plays, according to IIT intelligence reports. 

Junior Theo Benz, due to his unstoppable initiative and strength is also suspected of being a robot as well after several people in his dorm have attested to that supposition. “Maybe most of the students are,” one of our editors, who we’re 90% confident is human, muses.

Are you a robot? Would you know if you were?