Lander, WY – After several major skirmishes, upperclassmen at Wyoming Catholic College have regained control of prime studying territory from the freshmen of the Class of 2024. Freshmen made an assault on The Pequod during the first week of classes and rarely let go of their strong defensive position on the space since. That is, until this week’s Operation Beer Pong led primarily by the senior prefects liberated it from the thralls of the anarchistically inclined fresh”persons” and their leader Karen Clark.
Senior thesis writing now dominates the space’s use, with noise levels down at least 30 decibels this week. According to senior Marcus Gardner, “the Class of 2021 isn’t letting down their guard on the space. We locked down the crawlspace entrance, have guards posted at all times, and are armed to the teeth with enough Nerf guns to handle a real apocalypse.”
“Just let them try,” says senior Ailus J.S. Nilloc. “There may be a lot of them, but as I always say, freshmen are freshmen and freshmen ain’t nothin, and never will be.”
Given, however, the confession from senior Chris Christaleski of Michigan that “some Nerf violence may have been part of the process of liberation,” freshmen including Gregory Hancock and David Gleason believe they have a case to bring before the Student Life Office. The freshpeople believe that they can obtain a “right of access” to the location, given that upperclassmen “actually constitute a minority at the school, and an oppressive one at that.”
While denying that they are in any way associated with the oft-feared and hated Karen Clark, Gregory and David plan a freshmen protest outside the Pequod Sunday afternoon, demanding that the primarily senior occupying force let them back in. “Pot, Kettle, Black, Need We Say More” reads one of the signs IIT observed in the midst of nearly two dozen freshmen preparing for the protest.
Meanwhile sophomores are staying in their rooms avoiding all the “uncivilized barbarism” by studying there, eating there, and drinking there. However, they are concerned that the situation could soon get worse. “If what I think is likely to happen because of the rate this situation is escalating actually ends up happening, and the juniors get involved,” sophomore Michael Schubert says, “the National Guard will come in to because of JackJack and then we’ll get the Landerites taking notice and the whole thing will blow out of control when the NOLSeys march in.”
The Supreme Dictator of the Junior Class, Jeremiah Baur, has not yet commented on his class’s plans for participating in the conflict since their current neutral position, allows them “limited access” to the Pequod. IIT commentators believe this compromise might be enough to keep Junior-Senior cross-class couples placated.