Lander, WY – Wyoming Catholic College’s latest Threat Assessment meeting for its Risk Management team has apparently started thinking outside the box to bigger and bigger threats as transcripts of their last meeting which IIT happened to obtain show that “Protocols for Alien Invasion” had been on the meeting minutes. Details are scarce about their plans to deal with invaders from space, but it appears a lively discussion ensued at the meeting according to this transcript we obtained about exactly what safety protocols ought to be put into place.
Saul H. Ciwoknot – Executive Vice President
Mary Rensilret – Assistant Director of Student Life
Professor Cleanut – Dean
Matthew Nashee – Director of Physical Plant
Neil McDonald – Director of Student Life
Jonathan Rusanka – Board Member and Director of Advancement
Peter McNow – Chief Financial Officer
Dr. Remmiz – Director of the Outdoor Leadership Program (climbing with Theo and Jack in Las Vegas)
Dr. Glenn Arbery- WCC President (unknown)
Dr. Kent Lasnoski – Student Life Liason (heading up marriage prep)
Saul Ciwoknot: Okay, next item, everybody. NASA’s saying that the Martians invade March 1st. Should we move Speed Dating to a different weekend?
Mary Rensilret: Everything else is filled up. We’re going to have to just deal with them if they do happen to invade while everyone’s there. Maybe we could send them some Crux giftcards if they leave us alone?
Professor Cleanut: Just to be clear, Speed Dating is otherwise on schedule?
Neil McDonald: I’ve got James and David researching all the matches, Bolsson’s will be running it again, and then we’ve got the follow-up plan for keeping the relationships going all set up this time.
Matthew Nashee: Isn’t that more of a Faculty Meeting topic, sorry? I thought this was Risk Managment.
Professor Cleanut: Relationships are risky. We manage them.
Joe Rusanka: Are you sure the Martian thing isn’t a bigger threat? Every movie I’ve seen has the Martians being pretty vengeful. If Dane messes up their order.
Mary Rensilret: Dane won’t. Don’t worry.
Professor Cleanut: Oh, right. Let’s just get Theo to keep them out of town though, just to be safe.
Matthew Nashee: I’ll just put Flex on it. He’s Theo, but he may need back-up, and we actually do have bigger trucks.
Joe Rusanka: Is the school fleet enough? Since Martians are technically foreigners, we may have to have some more people there. I think to be safe we get military, political, diplomatic, and foriegn representation to cover all our bases.
Saul Ciwoknot: This is getting too complicated, let’s just move Speed Dating to a different weekend.
Joe Rusanka: But If they successfully invade, there may not be a better weekend. And even if we do move Speed Dating, they’ll be invading anyway, and they surely aren’t coming as donors.
Peter McNow: Are you so sure? We could make money of them.
(chatter of “What?”, “How?”, etc. throughout the room)
Professor Cleanut: Hmm, say more.
Peter McNow: Simple, the only Martians in Wyoming. Say, the only Martians in the world, right here in Lander. That ought get some people to stand in line for Dolce. Tell Cami to add a Martian Fudge or something.
Saul Ciwoknot: Can we hear from Joe please? I think he needs to air his concerns, and his plan, before we start budgeting in our intergalactic profits. You mentioned needing certain things to pull it all off safely? Do you have a plan
Joe Rusanka: Yes, simple and secure the more I think about it. We just a few people need to be out as a welcoming party, everyone else has to be kept out of the way. Make it early curfew or something, or require everyone to be at Speed Dating, Mary, but we’ll need Janelle there to represent diplomacy, Ruth, since the Martians are probably Protestant, Jack to represent the military and to come armed, and then just Anthony Jones to handle the negotiations.
Saul Ciwoknot: What negotiations?
Joe Rusanka: Well, I told you they certainly aren’t donors, but we have been in back channel communications with them. It seems the Martians have Cyril, Patrick and a few freshmen as hostages.
Matthew Nashee: Unfortunately this whole situation may have just gotten to big for Flex to deal with.
Professor Cleanut: Why didn’t you tell us?
Joe Rusanka: I’ve tried, but everytime I did, you thought I was talking about a movie.
Peter McNow: Okay, what’s the situation Joe? Sorry about that, just assumed it was all from Breaking Really Bad.
Joe Rusanka: Well, apparently the Martians have Earth allies who captured Cyril, Patrick and the rest a few months ago as preparation for their invasion. Usual details apply, give up and they won’t get hurt, or else.. But I think we may have an ace up our sleeve with you Peter. If we offer to negotiate their release in exchange for gin, and distract them with “official representatives” while we do so, Flex might just have time to come around from behind and knock a few out while help ours escape.
Professor Cleanut: I like it. Flip the tables on them. Let’s do it.
Joe Rusanka: Okay, but these Martians are really smart. They watch all the same movies that we do together and they also watch their own. They’re smart enough to pass a Hodkinson final without studying. I’m talking smart. We have to have every step coordinated and get the distraction out.
Peter McNow: How much gin did you need for all this? I have European orders for my next six months of production?
Saul Ciwoknot: If it’s this much of an emergency, we can dig into Crux supplies. Anybody have Zeda’s number?
To be continued…