The Blessed Virgin Mary announced God’s plan to enact a worldwide scapular mandate in a press conference today with multiple world media outlets. “Honestly, with sin being as it is in the world, we’re just going to have to mandate from up here in Heaven that everyone wear the Brown Scapular to avoid the fires of Hell,” she said. According to data from the most recent refresh of God’s sin tracker app, man has continued to sin since the first case of it was discovered in a man and woman named Adam and Eve several millennia ago in the Garden of Eden. While treatment for sin does exist, courtesy of Jesus Christ, angelic doctors suggest it, baptism and confession, are not in wide enough use, and a “simple Scapular mandate is ultimately going to have to be necessary for everyone to get through until the end of time.”

Some additional precautions were also announced by Mary and Jesus today, including a requirement that everyone distance themselves from all near occasions of sin. “Frankly, many of you are still going to choose lower goods and to follow lower desires over God, ultimately then probably leading to sin,” a spokesangel for God reported during a question and answer portion of the press conference. “You’re still mutable and you still have free will, so all we can ask, your nature and existence being as it is, that you stay away from all sin and don’t offend God anymore.”

Heaven will not require that every such scapular be on brand Monastery-grade, as helpful “How to Make Your Own Brown Scapular” videos are on YouTube so everyone can make their own compliant scapular at home
“as long as you get enrolled by a priest.” However, a “stay in the state of grace” order, as well as potential mandatory sin-testing (examinations of conscience) may still be on the table according to another of the angels who answered questions at the end of the conference.

Learn more about the Brown Scapular: