Lander, WY – Cotton clothing is not allowed on any outdoor trip at Wyoming Catholic College. And it’s certainly not allowed on the upcoming Winter Trip. But while this ban is not only a school policy but also a really smart idea, penalties for breaking the rule “don’t mean what you might be thinking you mean” the school’s Outdoor Leadership Program (OLP) clarified in a statement today. Many of this year’s freshmen apparently thought the rule meant that anyone caught wearing cotton would be punished by the school with hypothermia, frostbite, and risk of death, but the OLP clarifies that while it will “require the removal and replacement of cotton clothing observed to be in use by students with clothing that contains no cotton, none of the punishment rumors are true. We will not purposefully give you hypothermia, frostbite, or put you at any risk of death or injury.” Nature, the OLP continued, “might cause those things if you continue to wear cotton, but that’s not us, and in this case would count as a ‘self-punishment’.”
Freshmen everywhere breathed a sigh of relief at the announcement that there would be no “death penalty for wearing my Nike socks” as one put it. However, many of this year’s instructors for the Winter Trip are concerned that this relief might be a sign that something is being planned in Freshmandom. “How do we know they aren’t going to pull some stunt even stupider this year?” one questioned. “All those freshmen have been so quiet, they must be plotting and planning something. Raiding and knocking over other Quinzees? Brining a machete? Bringing fireworks, and setting them off inside their quinzee?”
At these concerns, and hoping to strike a balance between domineering regulation and allowing dangerous behavior to go unchecked, OLP officials decided to use the magic word, which has reportedly had an immediate, tranquilizing effect after its announcement among all freshmen (and instructor!) plots and schemes: “Grades.”