Washington D.C. – Millenia ago Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle considered the concept of existence, and got really confused about it, specifically with whether existence itself actually exists, or only exists within the mind of the individual considering it, who himself may exist or not exist. But now today, with new scientific methods that did not exist at the time of Aristotle, scientists with the Existence Reseach Institute (ERI) have recently concluded that existence does not exist. 

“All sorts of tools for looking at existence at the microscopic level finally exist today,” said Dr. Existence, head of the ERI research project funded by a grant from the Washington D.C. headquartered and federally funded American National Academic Institute of Investigation in the Cartesitan Mode of the Sciences Which Most Definitely Aren’t Philosophical and Tend To Look At Things Merely in Their Quantitative Mathematical Properties But Are Still Described With Terms Like Beautiful, Oh Gosh, That’s So Amazing, and Like Terminology Etc. But Are Definitely Still A Good Use of Federal Money If You Don’t Look Too Hard You Don’t See Anything So Don’t Look Closely (also known as: ANAIOIITCMOTSWMDAPATTLATMITQMPBASDWTLBOGTSAALTEBADSAGUOFMIYDLTHYDSASDLC). According to Dr. Existence, “While new areas of research like calculus, evolution, Mormonism, trad-climbing, cat theology, and Bernie Sanders biographical writing that weren’t around in Socrates’ time have really changed the way the world looks at existence already, but it’s really the relatively unknown Wyoming Catholic College in Lander, Wyoming that clinched the case against existence. One of their professors named Dr. Bolin proved that Canada can’t possibly actually exist. But what he didn’t realize was that his argument doesn’t just work against Canada, it works against every country. And not just against every country, but against any and every existing thing.”

“Because of Dr. Bolin,” added Dr. Existence’s lab assistant Mr. Egosum Fake, “we pretty much just have to conclude that nothing really exists at all.” Existence isn’t actually sure how we were all so convinced that existence did exist, but it “probablly has something to do with some of their non-existent schemery. Maybe they thought non-existent people would buy more non-existent philosophy books and spend more non-existent money at non-existent theme parks about non-existent philosophy if they were tricked into believing that existence really was a thing.”

Dr. Existence and Egosum Fake have a “very clear scientific statistical hypothesis test experiment to demonstate their conclusion that existence does not exist with non-existent certainty. However, unfortunately, their evidence doesn’t actually exist because their scientific experiment also never existed either.

IIT founder and president Everett Polinski weighed in on the result, claiming that, he, for one, disputes the outcome of the experiment, as “Sedeo ergo sum.” (I’m sitting, therefore, I am).

President Biden also weighed in on the report, agreeing in a statement today that existence was “total malarkey. I can’t sniff it, therefore it’s not worth a pony faced dog soldier.”