Washington D.C. – The Biden Administration has offered to mediate peace talks between the nation of Israel and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream during the middle of President Joe Biden’s visit to the Middle East.
“Here’s the deal,” Biden commented during a news conference today. “Israel and Ben & Jerry’s can’t get along. They’re shooting literal guns at each other every day. Worse than Corn Pop. And we know that Corn Pop was a bad dude. But I’m making the defense of ice cream supplies threatened by the Israel vs. Ben & Jerry’s conflict a national priority. People like me need their ice cream and there’s no reason why ice cream should be a tool of the military industrial complex either.”
Secretary of State Anthony Blinken clarified these remarks, explaining that the United States would offer to mediate peace talks between the two organizations and their respective military leaders in a neutral location, like “the Häagen-Dazs ice cream company headquarters.”
Israel and Ben & Jerry’s conflict dates back to the 1980s, when a freighter aircraft containing tens of thousands of gallons of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream was shot down by the Israeli Defense Force and Ben & Jerry’s countered with a delivery truck enforced blockade of several major road ports of entry to the nation. Hostilities have continued on a varying basis ever since, with Ben & Jerry’s most recently seizing three Israeli fighter jets and taking several dozen soldiers captive and Israeli operatives bombing the company’s parking garage at its Vermont headquarters.
Blinken hopes a diplomatic solution can “not just resolve the long running conflict, but even bring both organizations fully into the U.S. fold so that they can aid the American campaign against the real enemy, Russia, with Israeli military firepower and Ben & Jerry’s fifty-four delectable flavors both critical tools in the Western arsenal against Putin.”