No one ever thought that Irkutsk Ice Trucker’s very own Average Muslim Liturgist would ever get married. “He’s too traditional for us modern women,” said Bernadette Heithoff, a 2022 graduate of Wyoming Catholic College. “The Council of Women agreed that none of us would ever take him,” making it seem to most observers that he would have no chance of survival in today’s ultra-competitive dating market. According to IIT sources connected to his family, the Average Muslim Liturgist seems to have resigned himself to this fact, with his mother telling IIT investigative reporter Sophia Donaldson that “the Average Muslim Liturgist has resigned himself to permanent bachelorhood.”

But today, the Average Muslim Liturgist announced his “official requirements for engaging in a contract of marriage” in a series of Tweets on Twitter today, leading many of his followers to believe that his long-time stance in support of singlehood may be changing.

If any of you women out there are interested in the position of wife of the Average Muslim Liturgist, here are his requirements:

  1. Must be able to cook, that is, must be happy being barefoot and in the kitchen and capable of cooking to “Eastern” standards
  2. Must be able to balance a checkbook
  3. Must accept Dr. Shield’s position on the relationship between form and matter
  4. Must like beards
  5. Must be able to have more kids than she can count
  6. Must have a working knowledge of Plutarch’s Lives (both volumes)
  7. Half a cup of water
  8. Knows when to bow
  9. Tuesdays and Thursdays 1-4pm
  10. Must have an ancestral lineage of no less than 1/8 Native American in order that the children can go to college on a scholarship
  11. Must be no taller than 5′ 3” and 1/22 and no shorter than 5′ 3” and 1/24
  12. Organic eggs
  13. Must be related to one of Napolean’s army seamstresses of his second reign after the first exile
  14. Can tell the difference between pre and post-lactarian tea
  15. Must be a Proverbs 31 woman
  16. Cheeseburgers
  17. Can paint icons
  18. Must have a working knowledge of the economic comparisons between DawnTM dish soap and all other inferior brands
  19. Flour
  20. Must have a working knowledge of at least one foreign language such that private conversations can be held in the presence of the children without them understanding
  21. Can sew all manner of capes, trousers, shirts, coats, pantaloons, cloaks, tablecloths, flags, headscarves, etc., etc., etc…
  22. Is able to write a PhD dissertation on quantum physics and gravity (which no one currently understands) as well as how this relates to the relationship of husband and wife (which no one also understands)
  23. Two tablespoons of sugar
  24. Must be willing to be a secretarial assistant to the General Secretariat of the Proletariat
  25. Must have Ephesians 5 memorized
  26. Must have at least a hundred digits of Pi memorized
  27. Can bake pies
  28. Must have a working knowledge of all JohnJohnisms and the situations in which to use them
  29. Must abide OSHA standards and workplace procedures
  30. Dash of vanilla
  31. Remember to pay $250 in rent to G. by December 6th
  32. Must provide own butter churn, spinning wheel, mop, broom, dustpan, etc., etc., etc.
  33. Free from the influence of essential oil marketers but have her own discount supply
  34. Hookah
  35. Prefers candlelight to electric light
  36. Got milk?
  37. Remember to register to vote by November 7th
  38. Prefers Dostoevsky over Tolstoy
  39. Prefers Tolstoy over Turgenev
  40. Prefers Turgenv over Hobbes
  41. Prefers Hobbes over Rousseau
  42. Prefers Rousseau over Descartes
  43. Prefers death over Descartes
  44. One teaspoon of salt
  45. Preheat stove
  46. A butt ton of butter
  47. Can you milk a cow?
  48. Buy more candles today
  49. Must have a working knowledge as a certified sommelier of the different native Kentucky bourbons and their best cocktails for mixing. Scotch works too.
  50. Must be a woman

Think you have what it takes. Apply over the phone now at 307-206-5241