Lander, WY – In a surprise choice announced today, Wyoming Catholic College’s search for its next president, for a term beginning in 2024 settled on the school’s 2022 graduate Everett Lohman Polinski, the former president of Irkutsk Ice Truckers and IIT News. According to the school’s current president Dr. Jim Shrubbery, “Everett was the perfect and obvious choice. Among all the choices we considered, Everett has the longest and most illustrious history with WCC. Furthermore, all his business experience around the world makes him perfect for helping him lead us to a new era of business and international expansion. We’re proud to welcome him to his new position and I will be proud to see the new heights to which he will take WCC in the coming years.
The choice of Everett Polinski, however, is confusing to many observers given that Everett has no education beyond graduating from WCC, has no recorded teaching experience, and had, at last report, wandered off into the Wind River Mountains several months ago humming “Don’t Come Lookin” with no plan to return to civilization.
“HIM?” queried one music professor employed at the school. “I thought I failed him in Music two years ago and I was pretty sure he never actually graduated. That diploma I saw online looked fake.”
Other professors are concerned about Everett leading to a further decline in diligence in study at the school. “He only knew one Latin word ‘PULSATE’,” warned a certain Latin professor at the college, “and we’re making him president?” he questioned.
“And he can’t even swing a hammer or read a compass either,” bemoaned a certain director of the school’s outdoor program even as another humanities professor was concerned over “appointing a Russian business magnate to head the school. Even worse, he likes Lincoln more than Washington!” she complained, almost shouting in horror.
An IIT survey of WCC staff and faculty today found that only 22% support the choice of Everett as the next school president, with 73% opposed.
But even as Everett’s appointment by the board of directors today sees him facing strong headwinds (should he ever be found, return to civilization, and assume the position), the former student has strong support from the student body.
Chants of “Polinski! Polinski! Polinski!” could be heard this afternoon from the vague direction of the Pequod while pictures of Everett have been spotted popping up everywhere around WCC and the student body appears to be more upbeat and happy than usual as of this hour with #Everett currently trending on the school’s popular social media platform Populi.
Everett, again, has still not been spotted in months since he disappeared into the Winds, and was thus unavailable to comment on his nomination.