Lander, WY – In the midst of the unfortunate and hopefully temporary departure of Dr. Henry Zepeda, has the school panicked and signed on “third-string” faculty members? A concern that reportedly emerged amid the Sophomore Class meeting Wednesday, it has since been repeated elsewhere amidst far more reliable sources including two all-school-email chains and lunchroom chatter. At least two new professors are rumored to have been hired on clandestinely to fill the shoes of the esteemed TAC graduate Zepeda and those suspected to be those professors seem to be missing key qualifications and any semblance of a relevant resume.
Rumors are strongest around a current student and WCC presidential candidate, senior Parker G. Eidle (PHD – Allegedly), being one of these two hires. He’s always been a little different than most other WCC students as New York Sophomore Ruth Kress told us last week. “Pako’s obviously a plant of some sort to infiltrate our student body. The evidence supports this. As far as I know, he’s a mediocre student at best with grades lower than the calorie count on a package of celery. There’s no way an actual student gets grades that bad. Perhaps he’s been playing the role of an average WCC student a little too well.”
But the idea of the school turning a top-secret spy into a top-secret professor, even in a situation as extreme as the one we currently find ourselves in, is quite a surprise. According to the Student Handbook, any professor of potency at WCC has to pass rigorous qualifications such as actually having graduated, an attribute which neither Pako nor William Albers, the other student over which these rumors focus, possess as Student Life director Joe Fredricksson confirmed for us. Besides, given that Pako is again a current student at Wyoming Catholic College, and a senior at that, when he would even have the time to teach is a serious sticking point in the veracity of these claims.
Pako himself refused to comment on this subject. However, the claims do seem to have bearing and weight as more than just mere claimage. According to reliable intelligence sources he has been spotted on multiple occasions in what appear to be private tutoring sessions with innocent, unsuspecting young freshmen. Hiram Gleason, a particularly average freshman from Wisconsin, says:
“Uhmmm, he sent out some official looking sign up sheet with the WCC logo on it and I think I maybe saw the letters, P, H, and D floating around somewhere on it, possibly in that order. I wouldn’t put it past that guy. He certainly does do a lot. However, he seems to possess only the possibility about things in terms of Homeric power and Iliadic reference. Maybe he’s on the Humanities staff or maybe he’s just mere humanity.”
Hiram Gleason
The name Dr. Pakos Pakodopoulos has also been floating around in casual conversation at WCC over the past three days. Perhaps freshmen are just mispronouncing Dr. Papadopolous’s name, but we suspect this might also have something to do with the current situation.
Our staff will be meeting with WCC Dean Professor Kyle Cleanit to get official word as to Pako and the aforementioned lesser rumors that surround William behaving similarly, but until then our security contacts, “extreme caution around Pako as his Homeric ideas are extremely and radical and dangerous in the modern world.”
As of 11 pm Friday, several Freshmen are of the opinion, however, that Pako is actually Homer, time-travelling to the future to research for the Iliad. Similar or greater caution would still be required in this extremely unlikely case, however.